Say it Better

Some Say it Better Sayings

Here are some of the sayings I turn to again and again. Care to share some of yours? In the sequence below they move from the priceless power of communication to the ineffable effect of connecting – or not.

“Language is magic:  it makes things appear and disappear.“ 

~ Nicole Brossard

 

 “The limits of my language are the limits of my world”  

~ Ludwig Wittgenstein

 

“Those who tell the stories, rule the world.” 

~ Hopi American Indian saying

 

“The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred.” 

~ Bernard Shaw

 

 "Our voice is in our first draft but too often we edit it out."

~ Sam Horn

 

 “The skill of writing is to create a context in which other people can think.”

~ Edwin Schlossberg

 

"A quotation in a speech, article, or book is like a rifle in the hands of an infantryman. It speaks with authority." 

~ Brendan Behan

 

The world would be a better place if writers would read more and readers would write more. 

~ Ed Sizemore

 

“Never place a period where God has placed a comma.“ 

~ Gracie Allen

 

“There is always a way to be honest without being brutal.” 

~ Arthur Dobrin

 

"To someone who stutters, it's easier done than said." 

~ from The Stuttering Foundation to which I belong

 

 "A leader isn't a seeker of consensus, but a molder of consensus." 

~ Martin Luther King

 

 “You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers.  You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions.”

~ Naguib Mahfouz

 

"Listening may be the most powerful statement a person can make.”

~ Dr. Mardy Grothe

 

“Language is the means of getting an idea from my brain into yours without surgery.” 

~ Mark Amidon

 

 "The time for action is past. Now is the time for senseless bickering." 

~ Ashleigh Brilliant

 

“Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.” ~ Leo Tolstoy

 

"Our deeds determine us, as much as we determine our deeds." 

~ Adam Bede

 

"There is no meaningful 'yes' unless the individual could also have said 'no'."

~ Rollo May

 

“In the same way you can never go backward to a slower computer, you can never go backward to a lessened state of connectedness.” 

~ Douglas Coupland

 

"Because I helped to wind the clock, I come to hear it strike." 

~William Butler Yeats

 

When Caught Off-guard

 Wincing I glanced down. It hadn’t taken much to make that small blister appear in the hollow of my palm, that most tender of places on one’s hand. It’s my writing hand where a thin flap of skin now folded back. 

I’d just planted 30 daffodil bulbs in my garden but had neglected   to wear gloves. 

Suddenly I remembered a dinner party where the hostess brightly asked the man across the table from me, “How long have you been hunting for a job?” I saw him wince momentarily, then quickly attempt to cover it with a smile.  He made a fumbling reply then someone quickly changed the topic. 

But there is another way.

How Do You Become Genuinely Enthusiastic?

 “Enthusiasm is not the same as just being excited. One gets excited about going on a roller coaster. One becomes enthusiastic about creating and building a roller coaster.“ ~ Bo Bennett 

Getting enthusiasm is a little like learning to breathe.

Nobody can tell you exactly how to do it, but without it you’re in big trouble. No one but you can discover that compelling purpose or exciting goal that ignites enthusiasm inside you, but you can   learn a great deal from noticing how others use it to get more done while savoring their life.

This is what I’ve learned from some real life experts on enthusiasm; what’s more, I’ve tested them in the laboratory of my own life.

 "It is faith in something and enthusiasm for something that makes life worth living." ~ Oliver Wendall Holmes

1. Enthusiasm is born on the inside

In the daily grind of life you can lose touch with what really matters. There are so many routine decisions to make, so many challenges to be met, and so many burdens to carry, that you may get dispirited and act out an unbecoming side in yourself. However, as you connect with the enthusiasm planted deep within you, you’ll feel it begin to grow and grow. Soon, you’ll be back on track.

Hint: It’s not the first mile of a long and arduous journey that gets to you — you’re excited about getting started. And it’s not the last mile — you’re thrilled about getting there.

The miles that can drag you down are the long and tedious ones in the middle where you can’t see where you are coming from or where you are going.

“None are so old as those who have out-lived enthusiasm.”~ Henry David Thoreau

2. Enthusiasm grows when you focus on opportunities, solutions and allies -  not problems, circumstances and critics.

Life for you will always be as you choose to see it.  Focus your attention on the problems and circumstances that surround you, or keep your eyes on the solutions and opportunities.

I read a story that illustrates this approach. Several farmers in Pennsylvania were sitting in a café, complaining about the increasing cost of electricity and the unpleasant task of disposing of all the waste their cows generated.

But the Waybright brothers and their brother-in-law, who run the Mason Dixon Farms near the town where I went to college, Gettysburg, decided to quit complaining about all the manure the cows were generating, and to do some generating of their own — electricity.

They built a power generator that runs on methane gas produced from heated manure from the 2,000 cows. Generating much of their own power, they cut their annual electricity bill from $30,000 to $15,000.

As you might guess, most of the other farmers laughed at the project and called it “Waybright’s folly” (and other even less flattering names). They were satisfied to see their problems and to seek out their Congressmen to complain about their miserable circumstances.

But no one’s laughing anymore.

In fact farmers and agriculture ministers from around the world beat a path to the Mason Dixon farms. Soon the Waybright brothers were selling some of their excess power to their once jeering neighbors.

Enthusiasm — with all the good things that go with it — comes when you turn your eyes from the problem or circumstance and focus on the solution and opportunity. Cash can buy, but it takes enthusiasm to sell – or otherwise sway or collaborate.

“Enthusiasm is the yeast that raises the dough.” ~ Paul J. Meyer

3.  Enthusiasm thrives around positive people

Like smiling, enthusiasm is contagious. Worse yet, negativism and pessimism are far more contagious.  It is always easier to believe the worst than to hope for the best — especially if you are struggling against overwhelming odds.  It’s even worse when you’re tired, or have just suffered a severe setback.

Don’t waste your creative energies on people who are always putting you and your ideas down.  Seek out positive, competent individuals where you can give each other candid feedback – and a boost. Enthusiasm is contagious. Unfortunately, so is the lack of it. .

4.  Enthusiasm recharges itself on momentum

Jerry Reed’s popular song of many years ago is apt: “When you’re hot, you’re hot!”

William Shakespeare put similar sentiments into the mouth of Julius Caesar: “There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune, omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and miseries.’”

Enthusiasm comes from the inside out, not vice versa. It’s when you feel most enthusiastic that you need to throw yourself into life’s biggest challenge.  Celebrate your greatest victories by plunging into even greater challenges.  Take full advantage of the momentum you gain with each hard-earned step.

Nothing feeds enthusiasm like success, and nothing can hold back enough enthusiasm.

Live Your Strongest Life

  “Out beyond the ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field – I’ll meet you there.” ~ Rumi

“It hits a spot, doesn’t it?  It suggests that not being right (or wrong) is a place we can choose to go to,” wrote Sarah Wilson after reading Laura Munson’s book on how she chose not to retreat or retaliate when her husband said he was leaving. Instead Laura chose to be calm, still – and yes, sometimes quite scared.

“If your partner said that to you, chances are that would be the start of a conversation --- an ugly one,” wrote one of my favorite reviewers, Jesse Kornbluth. 

Instead she said, “I don’t buy it.” 

Her story was the most forwarded, shared and debated Style column in The New York Times all year.

“I was faced with a choice, wrote Laura, “I was going to let this take me down, or I was going to learn to base my happiness on something that was within my control.”

Adds Sara, “That it just exists, once we drop knee-jerk judgment, and is entirely accessible. If. We. Just. Choose. It.”

This is not an instinctive nor an easy approach yet it is worth practicing. That is to choose not to suffer or to retaliate against someone dear to me right after he says something toxic  - or doesn’t speak up or act in a situation where I relied on his support – or at least their understanding. Good men know this.

My reacting harshly out of hurt usually stiffens the spine of the other person in their righteousness. They respond defensively and feel greater justification for their actions.  This hardens our hearts towards each other, making it increasingly difficult for either “side.” By then we do see sides in the situation, so we move farther apart.  Through that lens of protective distance we are more inclined to see how the other person is wrong and we are right.

 

One hard-learned truth I tend to forget:

Choosing to respond to the decent actions in others and to let the rest go seems to be the most likely way to stay connected to the better parts in each other. Live strong is not only an apt motto for Lance Armstrong but a wise maxim for us all to accept frailties in others and to live from our strengths.

 

Another rule of thumb:

Do not let somebody else determine your behavior.

 

Two Mothers Share Tragedy: Three Triggers to Comfort

Hearing of the death today of a friend’s son in a war zone I was struck again by the many feelings a Mother’s Day evokes and how comforting others is as vital as celebrating on this day. Here’s my related story to share (bet you have some too).

''I had a doorbell moment this week.'' Patricia told Tracy. 

Both have sons serving in the same Marine unit in Iraq. Patricia is describing the fear that grabs her the moment her doorbell rings unexpectedly, thinking that the officer on the other side has come to tell her that her son is dead. Tracy understands.

 Hint One: Through shared experience, expressed aloud, we adopt “shorthand” expressions and feel understood, closer and comforted in that familiarity. 

~

 When Tracy’s son, Derrick was deployed, she knew that those who would most understand her feelings were other mothers in the same situation so she started a support group.

Cynthia Gorney’s wrote about these mothers way back in 2005 when the war still seemed new:

 “Draped over a banister in Tracy's house was an unwashed T-shirt Derrick had dropped during his last visit home. I thought Tracy was apologizing for her housekeeping, which I had already seen was much better than mine, but she cleared her throat and said that what I needed to understand was that she hadn't washed the T-shirt because if the Marine Corps has to send you your deceased child's personal effects, it launders the clothing first.

‘That means there's no smell,’” Tracy said.”

 Hint Two: Smell is the most directly emotional sense.  Nothing else comes close. Turn to smell as memory anchors of your shared, comforting experience

~

 “Tracy's closest friends in the world right now are other parents whose sons and daughters have served in Iraq or are serving there now.”

 Hint Three: Expressing vulnerability as you feel it can create an opening for others to do likewise, bring you closer, in the moment and over time.

~ “Tracy knows that the grandfather clock in Patricia's house chimes nine times when the other clocks say it's noon because the grandfather clock is set to Baghdad time.  Tracy knows that Patricia has figured out how to tell if someone is in her driveway by squinting at the reflection off a certain glass-covered picture in the dining room, so that if it should ever be two men in uniform, Patricia will know they have arrived before they start ringing the bell and before she is obliged to look directly at them and hear what they have come to say.”

Hint Four: The specific detail you share paints the general picture that listeners will see in their mind’s eye and will shape how they will feel and remember what you say.

 "One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention." ~ Clifton Fadiman

Connective Communication Happens When People Feel Heard

Does it feel like people stop listening before we stop talking? Feel under-appreciated?

 What makes us feel known, understood and grow closer with others? First we must feel heard. Mark Goulston describes exactly how in Just Listen – the best book I’ve read on the topic.  If he can help FBI agents talk down hijackers and stop those intent on committing suicide then his methods might help you.

An added benefit to listening deeply? 

When you connect with someone you are more likely to be able to correct problems and resolve conflict before perceptions harden.

 Why? We are more likely to bring up what bothers us when we think we’ll be heard.

“Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.” ~Benny Hill 

Next what do we say to evoke interest and involvement? In this interview with Bonnie Marcus, hear some of the methods I’ve discovered and try, with uneven success, to follow in my life.  What are some of the ways you’ve found to connect with others?

Apologizing Properly: Is There Enough Mea in Your Culpa?

 Last year U.S. Senator George Allen went serially apologizing across Virginia after demeaning a man of Indian descent at a campaign rally as “Macaca or whatever his name is.” Up popped a virtual cartoon bubble caption over his head -  “racist.” By continuing to exhibit the same lack of understanding about his mistake each time he apologized, that caption worsened, from “racist” to “bumbling politician” to “bumbling politician who does not learn.” 

He did not mean harm but he did harm his reputation by not learning the lesson on how to say,

”I was wrong. 

This is why.

This what I am going to do about it.”

 Even a TV soap opera couldn’t match recent real life lessons on the need to learn when and how to apologize. For most situations you and I will face there are proper ways to apologize that often evoke respect and sometimes bring people closer. Doctors are learning, for example that it pays to apologize– even if it is difficult to do.  Here are four tips that have helped me.  

1. Don’t beg. Do prove you mean you are sorry.

No excuses. No delay. And forget groveling.   

It doesn’t show your best side nor bring out the best in those from whom you want forgiveness. In debasing yourself you inadvertently evoke a righteous attack instinct in others who’ll then pile on their complaints.    

"Never ruin an apology with an excuse." ~Kimberly Johnson

2. Put Enough Mea in Your Culpa 

Without Words, How We Connect With Each Other – or Not

Wayne instantly felt his gut tighten when he saw the flash of terror flood his partner’s face in Bagdad. Then they both dove behind their vehicle. That fast reaction saved them.

It’s a miracle really. Not only can we observe and think about what another person is feeling; we can actually experience their feelings. So-called mirror neurons in our brain are connected to our limbic system. These neurons fire not only when we act, but when we watch others act.

Simple put, you can feel what another person is feeling. You can feel their intentions Giacomo Rizzolatti discovered.

And it happens fast. Within just 200 milliseconds of seeing someone’s face, beginning with his eyes, you are interpreting his feelings.

Plus, suggest some researchers, we instinctively imitative what we see in others:

See fear = feel fear.

See joy = feel happier.

One qualifier to this astounding power, I’ve discovered as perhaps have you. We may feel another person’s fear or joy yet misinterpreted the specific reason that person feels it. That can lead to embarrassing or otherwise inept responses.

This effect has other upsides and downsides. It makes us human. We are instinctively imitative. When you turn around and see your daughter glowing as she walks down the wedding aisle, you probably feel her feelings.

From this mirroring effect we can feel deep empathy, sympathy – and imitative violence.  This discovery, now strongly contested, would affect our belief in free will.