Say it Better

Bring Them Closer by Bringing Out Their Better Side

Lovable fools are often picked first over competent jerks. If that pricks your interest here are five ways to warm up others. 

 1.  Sandwich uncomfortable or otherwise or bad news between two pieces of good news. This “sandwiching” method enables others to hear both the bad and the good news and will be less likely to dislike you – to want to shoot the messenger.

That’s because of two emotional triggers.

First, we respond more intensely to bad news than good. In  fact we react faster and the effect lasts longer. That’s the way we are wired to survive. For example, if you won a $500 gift certificate you would not feel as intensely happy as you would feel distressed if you lost a $500 certificate.

The second bit of research enables you to stay connected, be heard and still be liked when you have to share bad news. Let’s say your five-day vacation included staying one night in a dirty hotel room above a noisy street. If that stay was on your last night your memory of that getaway would be negative yet if it happened in the middle your re-telling of it would be positive.  How you are given a colonscopy can also color your memory.

2.   Take a cue for Bill Clinton and engaged in deep eye contact. One of the hottest triggers of dislike is when we are engaged in conversation with someone who appears to be looking elsewhere as we talk. Even though direct eye contact is not the norm in some Asian and Hispanic cultures, most Americans translate the behavior as a lack of respect. Women, especially feel unheard when they feel unseen in this way. This is one of the strongest triggers to bring out other’s better side.

When they like the way they act around you they are more likely to like you.

3.   Ask follow-up questions. When someone responds to our question we are increasingly likely to follow up by turning the conversation back to our favorite topic – ourselves. Instead listen closely and ask a question that is directly related to their last answer. Asking that second question multiplies the endearing effect of asking just one.  It sends a strong signal of liking and people like people who like them.

4.   Take Tim Sanders’ brief likability self-assessment and my gut instincts quiz to see where you connect well with others and what you may want to do differently.

5.   Most of all act gently towards others in tone, facial expression and in words - - especially when you feel like doing or saying the opposite. Expressing kindness is a first step for building trust. It provides a cushion for you both, especially when you are first meeting someone, are time-pressed or are asked to do something that does not play to your strength.

 

 

When Caught Off-guard

 Wincing I glanced down. It hadn’t taken much to make that small blister appear in the hollow of my palm, that most tender of places on one’s hand. It’s my writing hand where a thin flap of skin now folded back. 

I’d just planted 30 daffodil bulbs in my garden but had neglected   to wear gloves. 

Suddenly I remembered a dinner party where the hostess brightly asked the man across the table from me, “How long have you been hunting for a job?” I saw him wince momentarily, then quickly attempt to cover it with a smile.  He made a fumbling reply then someone quickly changed the topic. 

But there is another way.

Feel you flubbed the last speech you gave?

You’ll feel much better after watching Phil Davison’s emotional appeal for support.

His talk demonstrates that recommending the use of emotion is not sufficiently specific advice for a speaker. Also, having apparently apt credentials like a Masters in Communication, does not necessarily mean one has mastered the skill.

In the apparent absence of their use Davison demonstrates the vital need in preparing for a speech to:

1. Discern, ahead of time, what most matters to your audience.

2. Craft an outline for your talk with a main point, no more than three supportive points, segues between them – each supported by a few relevant and vivid facts or examples - and “bookending” the beginning and ending of your talk with the same point and a call for action.

3. Praise the audience and/or individuals in it for specific, positive actions or beliefs that reinforce the stands you are advocating.

4. Ensure that your metaphors and figures of speech are congruent and make sense.

5. Practice in front of one or more people who are familiar with your audience and who will give you intelligent, candid feedback

 At least Davison probably made Jan Brewer feel better. 

Here's two speaker friends who continue to provide valuable insights about how to connect with your audience, move them to act and make a positive difference in the world: Bert Decker and Nick Morgan.

One final thought. Even if you are not the president someone maybe recording your talk so don’t let something you pledge come back to bite you later.

Seven Strong Clues That Someone is Lying

Like other public figures before him, Roger Clemens could not cover up his lying  - if you knew how to recognize the clues.

Based on the trailblazing research on facial expressions conducted years ago by Paul Ekman, Dacher Keltner described the signs he saw when he watched Clemens tell Congress in February of 2008, that he did not use performance-enhancing drugs.

Keltner saw these clues when Clemens testified:

• Jiggling the legs.

• Touching the face.

• Speech hesitations.

• Stammering or repeating words.

• Nervously biting or licking the lip.

• Sudden rises in the pitch of their voice.

• Subtle facial expressions of negative emotion.

See, by comparison, what a universal and thus genuine display of contrition looks like when Andy Pettitte apologizes for using human growth hormone to recover from an elbow injury:

• Dropping his head down.

• Averting gaze, thus avoiding making eye contact with others.

• Muscle movements around the mouth display embarrassment and shame: “The mentalis muscle is moving his chin up and tightening his lip corners, and as a result, a crest is forming around the corners of his lips.”

To detect lying earlier find one tip at Six Off-Beat Ways to Get Along Better and to recognize a genuine smile read Told You Look Tired - But You Aren't?

Keeping Cool While Under Fire

 If someone argues with you in front of others, you have at least two options, as Bill Clinton and Noam Chomsky demonstrated:

•  Maintain a low-key, relaxed style, as Chomsky does in this interview, to stand in sharp contrast to that hostile style. Refusing to be a combatant will impress others in the situation

•  Rise to the level of the other person’s “loudness” with a strong, direct yet tone and language and with an underlying calm as Clinton did when responding to a heckler in the audience, feeling the audience back him up.  See how he takes the mike, moves closer to the heckler yet remains under control.

The biggest reason people get reprimanded at work is for displays of anger yet the top problem individuals have at work is that they do not feel heard or respected. Yet in most situations we can help others feel heard and cool off - even when they are acting difficult -- and still stand up for ourselves.

Staying civil when others are not is vital in this ever more connected, speeded-up world where things can escalate faster and come back to bite you.  Here are five separate lessons:

1. Lighten Up

When others begin to act "hot," we instinctively either:

a.  Escalate (become like them and get loud, more hostile, or other reactions where we act more like the behavior we do not like),

 or

b.  Withdraw (adopt a poker face, say little or nothing, move away).

Both approaches causes all parties to get even more out of balance so things get worse. These behaviors are akin to saying "I don't like your behavior -- therefore I am going to give you more power."

Instead try the LSL rule - “Lower, Slower and Less

• Slow everything down: your voice level and rate and the amount and frequency of your body motions and do not gesture with sharp, raised motions.

• Be aware that you are feeling a hot reaction to the other person. Instead

of dwelling on your growing feelings, move to a de-escalating action.

Leave room for that person to save face and to self-correct. Who knows? You might actually be wrong and need to apologize.

 2. Take the "Three A's" Approach

• Acknowledge that you heard

- Pause

- Nod

- Verbally acknowledge yet do not take sides:

   a.  "I understand you have a concern" rather than "You shouldn't have…

   b. (Avoid blaming or labeling): "Let's discuss what would work best for us both now" rather than "That was a dumb.”

   c. Ask for more information so you can find some common ground based on his underlying concerns or needs.

 • Affirm their better side

Try to "warm up" to the part of the person you can respect -- focus on it mentally and refer to it verbally: "You are so dedicated" or "knowledgeable" or whatever their self-image is that leads them toward rationalizing their behavior.

 • Add your own view

Say, perhaps, "May I tell you my perspective?" This enables the other person to have the power to give you permission to state your view – yet to make it difficult for him to say no.  This approach supports both of you in showing your better sides to each other.

3. Presume Innocence

Nobody wants to be told they are wrong, especially when they feel they are in a weaker position  - or wrong. Whenever you believe someone may be lying or simply not making sense, you will not build rapport by pointing it out to them.

Allow them to save face and keep asking questions. Say, for example, "How does that relate to the . . ." (then state the apparently conflicting information). You might find you were wrong, and thus you "save face." Or, by continued non-threatening questions, you can "corner" the other person into self-correcting, which protects your future relationship.

4. Look to Their Positive Intent, Especially When They Appear to Have None

Our instincts are to look for the ways we are right and others are less right. In arguing, as the momentum builds, we mentally focus on the smart, thoughtful, and "right" things we are doing, while obsessing about the dumb, thoughtless, and otherwise wrong things the other person is doing.

This tendency leads us to take a superior or righteous position, get more rigid, and listen less as the argument heats up. Difficult as you might find it, try staying mindful of your worst side and her best side as you find yourself falling into an escalating argument.

You will probably be more generous and patient with that person, and increase the chances that she will see areas where you might be right after all.

5. Dump Their Stuff Back in Their Lap

If someone is verbally dumping on you, do not interrupt, counter, or counter-attack in midstream. You will prolong and intensify these comments.  When he is finished, ask "Is there anything else you want to add?" Then say, "What would make this situation better for us both?" or "How can we improve this situation in a way you believe we can both accept?"

Ask that person to propose a solution to the issue they have raised. If he continues to complain or attack, acknowledge you heard them each time and, like a broken record, repeat yourself in increasingly brief language - with variations of "What will make it better?"

Do not attempt to solve problems others raise, even if someone asks for advice.  She will instinctively go out of their way to make you wrong. We will spend more time proving our way works best than a method suggested by someone else, even someone we love or like. It's only human.

Five Tips for Reaching Better Agreements

1. If you embarrass someone while attempting to reach an agreement, you may never have that person’s full attention again.

2. Even and especially when you have the upper hand, do not make a victim of the underdog.

3. Offering something free and valued up-front, unasked, often implants a desire to reciprocate, even beyond the value of your offer.

4. Problems seldom exist at the level at which they are discussed. Until you understand the underlying conflict, you will not be able to resolve it.

5. If you want more from someone in a situation, ask for it after they have invested more time, energy, money, reputation, or other resource in that situation.

Look at Me (Bet You’ll Pay Attention)

 Do people stop listening before you stop speaking? 

Sometimes an ad can be used as a primer on how to attract and keep attention  - and get people talking about what you said. 

Watch Isaiah then consider these tips:

1.  Say your first sentence in three words or less.

2.  Make the first word a verb.

3.  Suggest a specific action to take.

4.  Evoke one or more senses.

5.  Use word pictures and gestures and movement to reinforce your words.

6.  Maintain a tempo in the cadence of your speaking

7.  Repeat a phrase that supports:

     •  The way you want them to feel, and 

     •  The main action you want them to take.

8.  End by looping back to the beginning, with your action phrase. (By that time they should be saying it out loud with you or at least saying it to themselves.)

Notice that in this ad the sexual cues and special effects don’t keep viewers involved as much as the “we’re having fun here” compelling presence of Isaiah Mustafa, the man; his face, stance, voice, and, most of all, his use of words – and his rhythmic sequence of sentences. This ad has attracted over five million online views. 

Yet if the advertiser’s market is to influence, not just men but also women (influencing their men) then Armpit Mountain misses its mark. 

The The Impotence of Proofreading

 “Proofreading your peppers is a matter of the the utmost impotence.”  

Mortified by some of the mistakes you’ve made in writing and overlooked when re-reading? In a droll stand-up act Taylor Mali covers many of the most common, sometimes Freudian slips. Imagine proofreading as comedy that cracks you up as you cringe at familiar writing errors.

“I need to be challenged, challenged menstrually…I need a college that could give me intellectual simulation. Not just anal community colleague.  I really felt that I could get into an ivory legal college…. Gone would be my dream of going to Harvard, Jail or Prison.”

“There is no prostitute for careful proofreading.”

Only a warped mind could imagine Icarus Airlines. Then, in another spoken word performance, enjoy his take on our increasingly inarticulate speech, advocating clarity and conviction.  In a more personal vein, see another side of Taylor, where he ruminates about her after she…  

Discoveries like slam poet Mali and monologist Sarah Jones remind me, again of the network effect, through friends, finding prodigious talent on the Internet.

 

Storyteller Lovers Alert

The Moth, a wildly popular grassroots phenom is now a radio show – celebrated in N.Y. Tues night at an event with Garrison Keillor, honoring Anna Deveare Smith and ending with one minute stories from ten winners of recent Moth Grandslams contests produced by This I Believe producer, Jay Allison.

You want to discover how to tell a story, sell or further your cause?

Nothing beats telling the story others are eager to retell.  Combined with listening to This American Life, and The Prairie Home Companion, reading Jesse Kornbluth's reviews and watching Smith become many characters telling the story, this can be your free, pleasurable way to discover your voice and practice telling your story.

Is He Lying When He Won’t Look You in the Eye?

Remarkably people in 75 countries believe the top way you can spot a liar is that the person won’t look you in the eye. Contrary to common belief, that’s not true. You are more likely to be able to detect lying by looking at the whole face.  People avert their gaze in conversation for many reasons, most of them innocent, according to social psychologist expert Dr. Mark Frank.

Ignore some of the myths detecting lying such as “shifty eyes or sweaty brow” and look for the “cracking” of an expression to briefly display the underlying or true emotion that “leaks” onto the face.”

One of the most common is a micro-expression or “cracking.” That’s when someone is expressing sadness for something then, when pressed, displays a flash of the true, underlying emotions: anger and disgust.  That is how he really feels about the situation.

Both Paul Ekman (as described in Blink) and Stephen Porter have cited this behavior as an indication of deceit.  Unfortunately one must practice looking for those brief moments. 

Unlike Ekman and Porter we cannot video the moments in our life to review, frame-by-frame, yet we can be trained to better recognize those flashes of hot emotion someone is attempting to hide. “Ekman reckons your accuracy in detecting an attempt at deception ‘will increase from chance to 70% or better’".  

Yet, “the best liars tend to be the least troubled by their dissembling and produce the fewest outward clues," acknowledges Ekman.  There are times I’ve wished that I could have had a thermal-imaging or other detection device handy.

Ending on an up note regarding reading faces, your smile helps your mood.  It also uplifts those around you and the people with whom they come into contact. Emotion is contagious up to three degrees of separation.

Guess How Soon You Could Read Others

It didn’t take long for you to recognize basic behaviors and know what they meant for you. Even before you were a year old …

• You understood that individuals you saw over time would to act in certain ways.

• You recognized different emotions in those around you —fear, anger and happiness.

• You knew how to manipulate others as soon as you could move your body.

• When you saw people who were helpful and others who were hurtful, you understood the ones to avoid – even if you couldn’t.

Even before your first birthday, you knew all that according Paul Bloom, Yale psychology profession and author of Descartes’ Baby: How the Science of Child Development Explains What Makes Us Human, a fascinating book.

After reading it you may be sufficiently intrigued to read Bloom’s next book, due out on my birthday, How Pleasure Works: The New Science of Why We Like What We Like.

Within each of us “different selves are continually popping in and out of existence,” he writes. “They have different desires, and they fight for control—bargaining with, deceiving, and plotting against one another”….

He suggests that this might explain why we act in contradictory ways and sometimes against our best interests.  It might explain “certain puzzles of everyday life” such as why:

•  Addictions and compulsions are so hard to shake off.

• We insist on spending so much of our lives in worlds­—like TV shows and novels and virtual-reality experiences—that don’t actually exist.” (For reducing stress, watching a high-definition TV was as worthless for patients as looking at a blank wall. Yet anxiety does goes down when they can see nature out a window.) 

Bloom’s book seems to complement Rita Carter's Multiplicity.  “We used to think that the hard part of the question ‘How can I be happy?’ was understanding happy. But, believes Bloom, it may have more to do with the definition of which "I” is top-of-mind at the time. 

Bloom wonders: “Can one self bind another self if the two want different things? 

Are you always better off when a Good Self wins?” For example Bloom seems conflicted about the attempts by some behavioral economists such as Cass Sunstein and Richard Thaler to set up rules in business and government that reinforce our smarter self's ability to take hold.  For example, those businesses that automatically put a portion of employees’ salaries into their retirement account, unless the employee opts out, have discovered that more people save more. In short, this practice supports the Good Self.

Now I am going for a walk to ponder my weaker and wiser selves.