Say it Better

Peace-Keeping Tips for Couples Who Want to be Rooted in Love

• It is harder to argue when you are holding hands.

 • Know that showing appreciation and attention, especially when you least want to show them and the other person most needs them, will always bring you closer than asking for them.

 • Look to the other person’s positive intent as you hear what is said.

 • Saying less and listening more often gets you more of what you want.

 • Looking directly and warmly, rather than away, often brings out the part of her you most enjoy. 

 • Making and keeping an agreement usually helps the other person feel more safe, respected and cared for in the relationship.

 • First try to act in a different and positive way before you verbally ask for a change in the other person.

 • Do not interrupt, especially when you most want to.

 • First, respond to the other person’s question.  Answer it directly, without preface, qualifiers, countering, second-guessing, answering questions she or he did not ask or raising other points first.

 • Do not answer a question with a question, including questioning that person’s question of you.

 • Find out whether the other person feels you’ve answered her or his question or otherwise responded adequately before you move onto your question or another point or topic.

 • Showing resentment and resistance will most likely escalate the hardening of sides between you.

 • Rather than describing what you don’t like, ask for a specific change without using emotionally-charged characterizations.

 • Be willing to make a change before asking for one.

 • Do not ask for more than one change at a time, unless you want them all ignored.

 • Know that the more changes you ask for the more resistant you’ll face, and the more likely it will be for you both go to your heads to think, rather than to your hearts to feel.

 • Use factual language and few words to describe what you want changed.

 • Use vivid, specific and emotion-laden language to describe what you like and respect.

• Women: Say and move less, especially when you want to do the opposite

 • Men.  Give her more eye contact.  If you don’t feel comfortable answering her right away, tell her so directly.  Then tell her when you will get back to her with a response.

 • In the middle of your most heated moments of discussion, remember what you most like in the other person and take the time to express it.  Of course all these wise pieces of advice are much easier to offer that to live by.

 • A tender touch is  loving language.

 

Get Them Involved and Telling Others

That saying “familiarity breeds contempt” may be true. We tend to take loved ones for granted, no matter how well-intended. Yet it is equally true that familiarity breeds acceptance.  Thus it is easier to stick a new idea in someone’s mind if you can attach it to something familiar – an existing memory. So....

Become more quotable by employing this Familiarity Effect

Here are two ways:

1. Piggyback your characterization on top of a familiar concept or saying.

Reid Hoffman, founder of LinkedIn and an investor in other successful online networks gave this advice: “Social networks do best when they tap into one of the seven deadly sins. Facebook is ego. Zynga is sloth. LinkedIn is greed.”

2. What familiar and respected product embodies the valuable trait for which you want your product to be remembered?

Plum wants to be the Netflix of baby clothes. Instead of buying clothes for your child, rent them then return the clothes when they are outgrown, and get a new set.

Here's a third hint. Let others be the stars in your story.

People are more likely buy your idea or product if they are placed in a situation where they can be the experts, exploring the topic their way.  Better yet, enable them to gain bragging rights, proving themselves right – in front of others - in their choice to buy from you or to support you.

Imagine, for example, the astonishment of the staff  -- and the sommelier -- at Bone’s, an Atlantic steak house when they started handing dining guests iPads at the table, loaded with a copy of the wine list. 

Purchases of wine, shot up 11 percent. Mused Mr. Reno, the sommelier, “With the information on the device, they seem more apt to experiment by buying a different varietal or going outside their price range.

It stuns me, but they seem to trust the device more than they trust me, and these are people I’ve waited on for 10 years.”

Or, perhaps diners feel more comfortable and confident, looking at various wines themselves and discussing them at the table. The key here is that they get to be the expert. 

Hint: Let others take charge of your message, tweak it for their needs and thus sell themselves on it. 

Entertainment mogul, Peter Guber, is a passionate believer in the power of a purposeful narrative. That means sharing a story that is meaningful to others, leaving ways for them to jump in and become an important part of that story. 

In Tell to Win, he gives many examples of how people love to tell others about a story in which they have a great role. Surrender your story to their re-working of it, rather than correcting them, and they will re-tell it with passion and conviction.

Organizations as diverse as LEGO and the S.F. Giants, and individuals as diverse as Nicholas Kristof and Tony Hsieh have attracted passionate supporters, in part, by letting others take over their story to re-tell it in their own way.

Surrendering your vivid story in which we can play a meaningful role can probably spread it farther, faster and in more directions than you can on your own.  What story are you sharing that will pull me in? I am eager to hear it - and your insights about now to nudge us to participate with you.

 

Seven Strong Clues That Someone is Lying

Like other public figures before him, Roger Clemens could not cover up his lying  - if you knew how to recognize the clues.

Based on the trailblazing research on facial expressions conducted years ago by Paul Ekman, Dacher Keltner described the signs he saw when he watched Clemens tell Congress in February of 2008, that he did not use performance-enhancing drugs.

Keltner saw these clues when Clemens testified:

• Jiggling the legs.

• Touching the face.

• Speech hesitations.

• Stammering or repeating words.

• Nervously biting or licking the lip.

• Sudden rises in the pitch of their voice.

• Subtle facial expressions of negative emotion.

See, by comparison, what a universal and thus genuine display of contrition looks like when Andy Pettitte apologizes for using human growth hormone to recover from an elbow injury:

• Dropping his head down.

• Averting gaze, thus avoiding making eye contact with others.

• Muscle movements around the mouth display embarrassment and shame: “The mentalis muscle is moving his chin up and tightening his lip corners, and as a result, a crest is forming around the corners of his lips.”

To detect lying earlier find one tip at Six Off-Beat Ways to Get Along Better and to recognize a genuine smile read Told You Look Tired - But You Aren't?

How Do You Become Genuinely Enthusiastic?

 “Enthusiasm is not the same as just being excited. One gets excited about going on a roller coaster. One becomes enthusiastic about creating and building a roller coaster.“ ~ Bo Bennett 

Getting enthusiasm is a little like learning to breathe.

Nobody can tell you exactly how to do it, but without it you’re in big trouble. No one but you can discover that compelling purpose or exciting goal that ignites enthusiasm inside you, but you can   learn a great deal from noticing how others use it to get more done while savoring their life.

This is what I’ve learned from some real life experts on enthusiasm; what’s more, I’ve tested them in the laboratory of my own life.

 "It is faith in something and enthusiasm for something that makes life worth living." ~ Oliver Wendall Holmes

1. Enthusiasm is born on the inside

In the daily grind of life you can lose touch with what really matters. There are so many routine decisions to make, so many challenges to be met, and so many burdens to carry, that you may get dispirited and act out an unbecoming side in yourself. However, as you connect with the enthusiasm planted deep within you, you’ll feel it begin to grow and grow. Soon, you’ll be back on track.

Hint: It’s not the first mile of a long and arduous journey that gets to you — you’re excited about getting started. And it’s not the last mile — you’re thrilled about getting there.

The miles that can drag you down are the long and tedious ones in the middle where you can’t see where you are coming from or where you are going.

“None are so old as those who have out-lived enthusiasm.”~ Henry David Thoreau

2. Enthusiasm grows when you focus on opportunities, solutions and allies -  not problems, circumstances and critics.

Life for you will always be as you choose to see it.  Focus your attention on the problems and circumstances that surround you, or keep your eyes on the solutions and opportunities.

I read a story that illustrates this approach. Several farmers in Pennsylvania were sitting in a café, complaining about the increasing cost of electricity and the unpleasant task of disposing of all the waste their cows generated.

But the Waybright brothers and their brother-in-law, who run the Mason Dixon Farms near the town where I went to college, Gettysburg, decided to quit complaining about all the manure the cows were generating, and to do some generating of their own — electricity.

They built a power generator that runs on methane gas produced from heated manure from the 2,000 cows. Generating much of their own power, they cut their annual electricity bill from $30,000 to $15,000.

As you might guess, most of the other farmers laughed at the project and called it “Waybright’s folly” (and other even less flattering names). They were satisfied to see their problems and to seek out their Congressmen to complain about their miserable circumstances.

But no one’s laughing anymore.

In fact farmers and agriculture ministers from around the world beat a path to the Mason Dixon farms. Soon the Waybright brothers were selling some of their excess power to their once jeering neighbors.

Enthusiasm — with all the good things that go with it — comes when you turn your eyes from the problem or circumstance and focus on the solution and opportunity. Cash can buy, but it takes enthusiasm to sell – or otherwise sway or collaborate.

“Enthusiasm is the yeast that raises the dough.” ~ Paul J. Meyer

3.  Enthusiasm thrives around positive people

Like smiling, enthusiasm is contagious. Worse yet, negativism and pessimism are far more contagious.  It is always easier to believe the worst than to hope for the best — especially if you are struggling against overwhelming odds.  It’s even worse when you’re tired, or have just suffered a severe setback.

Don’t waste your creative energies on people who are always putting you and your ideas down.  Seek out positive, competent individuals where you can give each other candid feedback – and a boost. Enthusiasm is contagious. Unfortunately, so is the lack of it. .

4.  Enthusiasm recharges itself on momentum

Jerry Reed’s popular song of many years ago is apt: “When you’re hot, you’re hot!”

William Shakespeare put similar sentiments into the mouth of Julius Caesar: “There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune, omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and miseries.’”

Enthusiasm comes from the inside out, not vice versa. It’s when you feel most enthusiastic that you need to throw yourself into life’s biggest challenge.  Celebrate your greatest victories by plunging into even greater challenges.  Take full advantage of the momentum you gain with each hard-earned step.

Nothing feeds enthusiasm like success, and nothing can hold back enough enthusiasm.

Live Your Strongest Life

  “Out beyond the ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field – I’ll meet you there.” ~ Rumi

“It hits a spot, doesn’t it?  It suggests that not being right (or wrong) is a place we can choose to go to,” wrote Sarah Wilson after reading Laura Munson’s book on how she chose not to retreat or retaliate when her husband said he was leaving. Instead Laura chose to be calm, still – and yes, sometimes quite scared.

“If your partner said that to you, chances are that would be the start of a conversation --- an ugly one,” wrote one of my favorite reviewers, Jesse Kornbluth. 

Instead she said, “I don’t buy it.” 

Her story was the most forwarded, shared and debated Style column in The New York Times all year.

“I was faced with a choice, wrote Laura, “I was going to let this take me down, or I was going to learn to base my happiness on something that was within my control.”

Adds Sara, “That it just exists, once we drop knee-jerk judgment, and is entirely accessible. If. We. Just. Choose. It.”

This is not an instinctive nor an easy approach yet it is worth practicing. That is to choose not to suffer or to retaliate against someone dear to me right after he says something toxic  - or doesn’t speak up or act in a situation where I relied on his support – or at least their understanding. Good men know this.

My reacting harshly out of hurt usually stiffens the spine of the other person in their righteousness. They respond defensively and feel greater justification for their actions.  This hardens our hearts towards each other, making it increasingly difficult for either “side.” By then we do see sides in the situation, so we move farther apart.  Through that lens of protective distance we are more inclined to see how the other person is wrong and we are right.

 

One hard-learned truth I tend to forget:

Choosing to respond to the decent actions in others and to let the rest go seems to be the most likely way to stay connected to the better parts in each other. Live strong is not only an apt motto for Lance Armstrong but a wise maxim for us all to accept frailties in others and to live from our strengths.

 

Another rule of thumb:

Do not let somebody else determine your behavior.

 

Make it So Vivid You May Motivate Others to Change

 Meth is a death sentence.  “Ben hanged himself when he couldn’t stop using it.” Want to change others? Learn from Montana’s graphic techniques to stop the carnage. When the danger is extreme the nudge may have to be too. 

Even if you are attempting to nudge others in less dire situations you can glean lessons from these powerful ads. 

Here are four ways to make your message sink in and sway others:

 1. Short sentences carry punch. “This is where he went into convulsions.”  So do pithy tag lines: “Not even once.”

 2. Be more credible and memorable by using vivid, specific everyday language, rather than jargon or generalizations. “This is the sink where she started pulling out her eyebrows.”

"’Kevin’ dropped out of school, used sharp objects to remove   imaginary bugs from his body and now spends his days restrained to a bed.”

3. Use “sensory contrasts.” The dramatic background music and snippets of emotional voices stand in sharp contrast to the dulled, sad tones of the victims, the narrators – whose faces you only see at the end of each advertisement.  (Not seeing the narrator until the end builds anticipation.)

 4. Show some visual detail AND leave some to the imagination. While you see some of the scenes where awful things happened and you hear snippets of voices in those situations you don’t see the worst things - except in your mind’s eye. Don’t express the outrage. Instead present the reason your audience will feel it and express the emotion that may move them to change.

 Hint: When you create a written, audio or video message, leave gaps for them to instinctively fill in the rest.  This is akin to a speaker repeating a key phrase throughout a speech until that speaker can pause so the audience can say it for him. Their unavoidable participation glues them to your story.

 Look for the brash book by Stanford business professor Jeffrey Pfeffer, Power: Why Some People Have It and Others Don't. 

Hint: While collaboration is key in this increasingly complex, connected world, attempting to create it between competing organizations can be dangerous if one does not understand the use of power to first protect oneself and then to unite others in a common purpose. 

"What makes power degenerative rather than generative? Lack of love What makes love degenerative? Lack of power." ~Adam Kahane, author of Power and Love  

Two Mothers Share Tragedy: Three Triggers to Comfort

Hearing of the death today of a friend’s son in a war zone I was struck again by the many feelings a Mother’s Day evokes and how comforting others is as vital as celebrating on this day. Here’s my related story to share (bet you have some too).

''I had a doorbell moment this week.'' Patricia told Tracy. 

Both have sons serving in the same Marine unit in Iraq. Patricia is describing the fear that grabs her the moment her doorbell rings unexpectedly, thinking that the officer on the other side has come to tell her that her son is dead. Tracy understands.

 Hint One: Through shared experience, expressed aloud, we adopt “shorthand” expressions and feel understood, closer and comforted in that familiarity. 

~

 When Tracy’s son, Derrick was deployed, she knew that those who would most understand her feelings were other mothers in the same situation so she started a support group.

Cynthia Gorney’s wrote about these mothers way back in 2005 when the war still seemed new:

 “Draped over a banister in Tracy's house was an unwashed T-shirt Derrick had dropped during his last visit home. I thought Tracy was apologizing for her housekeeping, which I had already seen was much better than mine, but she cleared her throat and said that what I needed to understand was that she hadn't washed the T-shirt because if the Marine Corps has to send you your deceased child's personal effects, it launders the clothing first.

‘That means there's no smell,’” Tracy said.”

 Hint Two: Smell is the most directly emotional sense.  Nothing else comes close. Turn to smell as memory anchors of your shared, comforting experience

~

 “Tracy's closest friends in the world right now are other parents whose sons and daughters have served in Iraq or are serving there now.”

 Hint Three: Expressing vulnerability as you feel it can create an opening for others to do likewise, bring you closer, in the moment and over time.

~ “Tracy knows that the grandfather clock in Patricia's house chimes nine times when the other clocks say it's noon because the grandfather clock is set to Baghdad time.  Tracy knows that Patricia has figured out how to tell if someone is in her driveway by squinting at the reflection off a certain glass-covered picture in the dining room, so that if it should ever be two men in uniform, Patricia will know they have arrived before they start ringing the bell and before she is obliged to look directly at them and hear what they have come to say.”

Hint Four: The specific detail you share paints the general picture that listeners will see in their mind’s eye and will shape how they will feel and remember what you say.

 "One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention." ~ Clifton Fadiman

Label Yourself Before Someone Else Does

 Here’s a fresh reminder of the sticky power of making a vividly specific comparison in describing someone.  (Do it for yourself before someone else does to you.)

John F. Harris describes how Jay Leno is the “safe choice” to bring back as MC at this year's glammed-up White House Correspondents' Association dinner which the president attends.  The MC is expected to respectfully roast the president who is in attendance. That role sunk to an all-time low humor when Don Imus presided and broke wind. 

Harris used this comparison to stick a label on Leno: “Popular, profitable, predictable: Leno is the McDonald's of humor.”

 This Leno choice stands in sharp contrast to Stephen Colbert. He smilingly-presented, in character, smart, sharp commentary as President George Bush sat smiling less than twenty feet from him. Video of that roast went viral.
 

Want to be boring?

 It’s easy.  In fact you just have to do what you usually do when you put on your thinking cap to craft a description that’s important for you – like what you do in your work or why we should support your cause.  That’s when one turn’s to generalities.

Here’s how to make this common mistake. First strive first for accuracy - and then offer an example. 

Forest Stewardship Council of Canada, for example, explains that "FSC is an international certification and labeling system that guarantees that the forest products you purchase come from responsibly managed forests and verified recycled sources.”  

 Instead, writing pro Daphne Gray-Grant, suggests starting with this: “Ever gone to the lumberyard and purchased a 2x4 for your deck, wondering if it was ethically produced? 

Or, perhaps you've bought a stack of paper for your printer or a new desk for your office or a box for moving and worried about exactly the same thing. This is where the FSC can help...” Then add that accurate description.

Now it is always easier to edit someone’s improved description so I would hone the message further into everyday language and fewer words, “Ever been at a lumberyard, about to buy planks for your deck, and wondered, “Is this wood taken in a way that damaged a forest?” Or, when you’re buying printer paper, would you like to be able to choose the brand that was better for the environment?

As an avid evangelist for saying it better I turn to friends for help in honing my message.  I am too close to my subject - and know too much about it (the Curse of Knowledge) – to pick the starting point that will pull other in.

Even better, I try to listen to what people say about what I do to get insights about what resonates. Inevitably my self-descriptions are accurate yet blandly general. The vivid and thus compelling specifics come tumbling out when I ask myself (as I ask my clients) “Give me an example.”

Conclusion: You can be accurate in describing what you do or compellingly accurate so they actually get interested - and may even remember, ask questions, buy and tell others. 

See also:

• Become Quotable by Comparison

• Create a Tag Line to be Top of Mind in Your “Market”

• Six Off-Beat Ways to Get Along Better

• How to Help Your Critic’s Argument Sway Others

Pull 'Em in With a Pertinent, Emotional Picture Story

 “The most beautiful thing I've ever seen was the image on a screen that helped our doctor see my wife's cancer was treatable." 

See the story leading up to this grabber of a punch line in GE’s ad for electronic medical records. 

Notice how the husband's emotion-held-in-check voice reinforces the mood of the story. 

Next time I try to get someone interested in my idea I'm going to recall the swift, sequence of events-as-photos that built up to this emotional and relevant main point and consider how I can cut away extraneous detail and evoke more than one emotion. 

  

For more ideas on swift storytelling in images see these. They evoke several emotions from heart-warming to surprise and light humor.  I’d be proud to have created them and hope to emulate their "no extra detail" approach to pulling others in and holding attention.

(I have no financial interest in the company)