• It is harder to argue when you are holding hands.
• Know that showing appreciation and attention, especially when you least want to show them and the other person most needs them, will always bring you closer than asking for them.
• Look to the other person’s positive intent as you hear what is said.
• Saying less and listening more often gets you more of what you want.
• Looking directly and warmly, rather than away, often brings out the part of her you most enjoy.
• Making and keeping an agreement usually helps the other person feel more safe, respected and cared for in the relationship.
• First try to act in a different and positive way before you verbally ask for a change in the other person.
• Do not interrupt, especially when you most want to.
• First, respond to the other person’s question. Answer it directly, without preface, qualifiers, countering, second-guessing, answering questions she or he did not ask or raising other points first.
• Do not answer a question with a question, including questioning that person’s question of you.
• Find out whether the other person feels you’ve answered her or his question or otherwise responded adequately before you move onto your question or another point or topic.
• Showing resentment and resistance will most likely escalate the hardening of sides between you.
• Rather than describing what you don’t like, ask for a specific change without using emotionally-charged characterizations.
• Be willing to make a change before asking for one.
• Do not ask for more than one change at a time, unless you want them all ignored.
• Know that the more changes you ask for the more resistant you’ll face, and the more likely it will be for you both go to your heads to think, rather than to your hearts to feel.
• Use factual language and few words to describe what you want changed.
• Use vivid, specific and emotion-laden language to describe what you like and respect.
• Women: Say and move less, especially when you want to do the opposite
• Men. Give her more eye contact. If you don’t feel comfortable answering her right away, tell her so directly. Then tell her when you will get back to her with a response.
• In the middle of your most heated moments of discussion, remember what you most like in the other person and take the time to express it. Of course all these wise pieces of advice are much easier to offer that to live by.
• A tender touch is loving language.
