Wonder What’s Really On Their Mind?

Sometimes in conversation I wonder what are they really thinking.  So, perhaps, have you.

At such times I instinctively ask questions. Research shows that most of us do.

That doesn’t help.

In fact it prevents me from sensing what’s behind their words. Because, by asking questions I am determining the direction of the conversation not them. That doesn’t help me step into their shoes. Yes, I know many experts suggest you get others to open up by asking questions and that works in many situations.

Get to their heart of the matter

Instead try this. To get a glimpse of what most concerns that person, be warm yet brief. That’s most likely to evoke a question from them. Answer it genially and briefly.

That way you are most likely to evoke a follow-up question that you also answer cordially yet in few words.

Then listen closely for the third question.

With each question that person has inadvertently gotten more candid about what most interests them  - about you and them - on that topic.  The third question will be most revealing about what’s top-of-mind for them in that moment.

See questions as powerful barometers of emotions

What they ask about is your valuable insight into them – in that moment.  Like a barometer you are reading the emotional atmospheric pressure in that person

Getting a glimpse of their most intense feelings - at least on that topic - enables you to act in a way that makes them trust you.  When trust a positive relationship cannot take root or grow. 

And when someone doesn’t feel comfortable around you that person will project onto you the character traits they most dislike in others. Consequently they may not only sabotage the relationship but also act and speak negatively about you.

Gently turn around a potential critic

Even and especially when someone seems to distrust you, act as if they meant well, speaking genuinely, specifically and vividly to them about the traits that person most values. As you bring out their better side you melt their fear and negative feelings towards you. Tell me how this approach works for you – or if you’ve discovered a better one.

Reminder: When asking a question it pays to remember that we are far more revealing by the questions we ask than the answers we give. 

Three insights for savoring your life with others:

1. Look beyond your good intentions to what you actually do. As Tammy Lenski suggests, “benign intentions don’t cancel bad impact.”

2. Be patient when you don’t feel like it. You may become the glue in the group. When asked by Gretchen Rubin, if she had a happiness mantra novelist Christina Baker Kline recalled a quoted often attributed to Philo of Alexandria: "’Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.’ Remembering this makes me more patient with my kids, more understanding of my students' dilemmas, and more tolerant when I'm rushing to a meeting and the guy in line ahead of me at the MetroCard ticket machine can't figure out how it works.”

        3. Turn each situation into an opportunity to bring out their best side. They are more likely to see your better side so you’re both more likely to enjoy yourselves.