Say it Better

Live Your Strongest Life

  “Out beyond the ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field – I’ll meet you there.” ~ Rumi

“It hits a spot, doesn’t it?  It suggests that not being right (or wrong) is a place we can choose to go to,” wrote Sarah Wilson after reading Laura Munson’s book on how she chose not to retreat or retaliate when her husband said he was leaving. Instead Laura chose to be calm, still – and yes, sometimes quite scared.

“If your partner said that to you, chances are that would be the start of a conversation --- an ugly one,” wrote one of my favorite reviewers, Jesse Kornbluth. 

Instead she said, “I don’t buy it.” 

Her story was the most forwarded, shared and debated Style column in The New York Times all year.

“I was faced with a choice, wrote Laura, “I was going to let this take me down, or I was going to learn to base my happiness on something that was within my control.”

Adds Sara, “That it just exists, once we drop knee-jerk judgment, and is entirely accessible. If. We. Just. Choose. It.”

This is not an instinctive nor an easy approach yet it is worth practicing. That is to choose not to suffer or to retaliate against someone dear to me right after he says something toxic  - or doesn’t speak up or act in a situation where I relied on his support – or at least their understanding. Good men know this.

My reacting harshly out of hurt usually stiffens the spine of the other person in their righteousness. They respond defensively and feel greater justification for their actions.  This hardens our hearts towards each other, making it increasingly difficult for either “side.” By then we do see sides in the situation, so we move farther apart.  Through that lens of protective distance we are more inclined to see how the other person is wrong and we are right.

 

One hard-learned truth I tend to forget:

Choosing to respond to the decent actions in others and to let the rest go seems to be the most likely way to stay connected to the better parts in each other. Live strong is not only an apt motto for Lance Armstrong but a wise maxim for us all to accept frailties in others and to live from our strengths.

 

Another rule of thumb:

Do not let somebody else determine your behavior.

 

Make it So Vivid You May Motivate Others to Change

 Meth is a death sentence.  “Ben hanged himself when he couldn’t stop using it.” Want to change others? Learn from Montana’s graphic techniques to stop the carnage. When the danger is extreme the nudge may have to be too. 

Even if you are attempting to nudge others in less dire situations you can glean lessons from these powerful ads. 

Here are four ways to make your message sink in and sway others:

 1. Short sentences carry punch. “This is where he went into convulsions.”  So do pithy tag lines: “Not even once.”

 2. Be more credible and memorable by using vivid, specific everyday language, rather than jargon or generalizations. “This is the sink where she started pulling out her eyebrows.”

"’Kevin’ dropped out of school, used sharp objects to remove   imaginary bugs from his body and now spends his days restrained to a bed.”

3. Use “sensory contrasts.” The dramatic background music and snippets of emotional voices stand in sharp contrast to the dulled, sad tones of the victims, the narrators – whose faces you only see at the end of each advertisement.  (Not seeing the narrator until the end builds anticipation.)

 4. Show some visual detail AND leave some to the imagination. While you see some of the scenes where awful things happened and you hear snippets of voices in those situations you don’t see the worst things - except in your mind’s eye. Don’t express the outrage. Instead present the reason your audience will feel it and express the emotion that may move them to change.

 Hint: When you create a written, audio or video message, leave gaps for them to instinctively fill in the rest.  This is akin to a speaker repeating a key phrase throughout a speech until that speaker can pause so the audience can say it for him. Their unavoidable participation glues them to your story.

 Look for the brash book by Stanford business professor Jeffrey Pfeffer, Power: Why Some People Have It and Others Don't. 

Hint: While collaboration is key in this increasingly complex, connected world, attempting to create it between competing organizations can be dangerous if one does not understand the use of power to first protect oneself and then to unite others in a common purpose. 

"What makes power degenerative rather than generative? Lack of love What makes love degenerative? Lack of power." ~Adam Kahane, author of Power and Love  

Wonder What’s Really On Their Mind?

Sometimes in conversation I wonder what are they really thinking.  So, perhaps, have you.

At such times I instinctively ask questions. Research shows that most of us do.

That doesn’t help.

In fact it prevents me from sensing what’s behind their words. Because, by asking questions I am determining the direction of the conversation not them. That doesn’t help me step into their shoes. Yes, I know many experts suggest you get others to open up by asking questions and that works in many situations.

Get to their heart of the matter

Instead try this. To get a glimpse of what most concerns that person, be warm yet brief. That’s most likely to evoke a question from them. Answer it genially and briefly.

That way you are most likely to evoke a follow-up question that you also answer cordially yet in few words.

Then listen closely for the third question.

With each question that person has inadvertently gotten more candid about what most interests them  - about you and them - on that topic.  The third question will be most revealing about what’s top-of-mind for them in that moment.

See questions as powerful barometers of emotions

What they ask about is your valuable insight into them – in that moment.  Like a barometer you are reading the emotional atmospheric pressure in that person

Getting a glimpse of their most intense feelings - at least on that topic - enables you to act in a way that makes them trust you.  When trust a positive relationship cannot take root or grow. 

And when someone doesn’t feel comfortable around you that person will project onto you the character traits they most dislike in others. Consequently they may not only sabotage the relationship but also act and speak negatively about you.

Gently turn around a potential critic

Even and especially when someone seems to distrust you, act as if they meant well, speaking genuinely, specifically and vividly to them about the traits that person most values. As you bring out their better side you melt their fear and negative feelings towards you. Tell me how this approach works for you – or if you’ve discovered a better one.

Reminder: When asking a question it pays to remember that we are far more revealing by the questions we ask than the answers we give. 

Three insights for savoring your life with others:

1. Look beyond your good intentions to what you actually do. As Tammy Lenski suggests, “benign intentions don’t cancel bad impact.”

2. Be patient when you don’t feel like it. You may become the glue in the group. When asked by Gretchen Rubin, if she had a happiness mantra novelist Christina Baker Kline recalled a quoted often attributed to Philo of Alexandria: "’Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.’ Remembering this makes me more patient with my kids, more understanding of my students' dilemmas, and more tolerant when I'm rushing to a meeting and the guy in line ahead of me at the MetroCard ticket machine can't figure out how it works.”

        3. Turn each situation into an opportunity to bring out their best side. They are more likely to see your better side so you’re both more likely to enjoy yourselves.