As you see
in this hilarious sketch from Monty Python’s Flying Circus, disagreements get
worse when people can’t even agree on what they are arguing about.
In fact,
many arguments start when one person does not feel heard and/or understood by
the other person such as this interview-turned-contentious-conversation between fighter Floyd
Mayweather and interviewer Brian Kenny.
Then we talk at cross-purposes or on different topics, attempting to get the other person to talk about what’s really important – to us.
Hint: Especially when things turned heated with someone first prove to that person that you heard what he said.
Then,
without appearing condescending, probe for the underlying concern.
Why is that helpful? Because problems seldom exist at the level at which they are expressed.
Until you understand their main concern you will not know the best way to address it.
By probing, you show interest in their views. You increase the chances that he will be open to hearing your response.
But not
always.
Two other things struck me again from watching the python sketches - is the high level of civility – even during an argument and the colorful yet not profane use of language.
BTW, to celebrate Conflict Resolution Day on
October 15th why not start thinking of a critic or adversary. What
is the main thing you genuinely respect about that person on who is difficult
for you? Send that individual a
postcard, writing vividly and specifically about that quality. Who knows? you
might get on a roll and write four such postcards.