Say it Better

Leave Some Things Out

As a non-geek I fell in love with my Flip video because of the things I didn’t have to learn to enjoy using it. Like Skype, it is intuitively simple. No instruction book to feel guilty for not reading.

I am not alone. “I'm snuggled under the covers with Jon Stewart and the remote. The "Evolution/ Schmevolution" skit is funny, but it's been a long day, and I'm fading fast. The promise of technology is that I'm one click away from slumberland. I hit the power button. The picture disappears, but the TV is still glowing a creepy blue that will haunt my dreams if I don't make it go away. I try the TV button. Nothing. The CABLE button. Same....” writes Marrisa Mayer.

Now, Scion got it. They “drastically reduced the number of standard features to allow Generation-Y buyers to make a personal statement by customizing their cars,” observed Matt May. To seduce us into using your products, eliminate extras, suggests Matt May. (Barry Schwartz would agree.)

Leave some things unsaid.

In his book In Pursuit of Elegance, Matt advises removing elements you assume are essential. Become comfortable with leaving a project unfinished, a part of an idea unexplained.

Here’s his premise for such incompleteness. To stand out from the crowd, evoke four elements in your work and life that can add elegance and evoke simplicity and the power to surprise:

1. Seduction
2. Subtraction
3. Symmetry
4. Sustainability

As profitable examples he cites ‘N Out Burger, Zappos and Apple among many others. Simple is hard, yet in a complex world “less is more.” 

In keeping with this premise, I continue to clear away the obstructing underbrush of my life, the clothes I don’t wear, the distracting items of  “ought to” and the organizations that belong to past chapters of my life I’m trusting that what’s left is what most sustains me in the next chapter of the adventure I want my life to be now. 

What to Do When That Jerk Does it Again

By far, the most difficult seminar to teach at CareerTrack, among the 200 offered, was Dealing With Difficult People. Instructors burnt out on it. That jerk in their life was top of mind when attendees came into class. 

By the first break, the speaker had presented three concrete tips to make things better. Yet attendees rushed up, not to explain which method they’d try first, but to fervently share their horror story. We discovered that it is extremely difficult for anyone to:

• Get out of the rut of complaining to others.

• Suggest something that "would make it better for both of us" or ask the other person for a suggestion.

• See how one’s own behavior could be difficult for others.

(Crossing the bustling streets in London I noticed how impatient motorists seemed to be. Back in Sausalito, driving through town I complained about the “obliviously slow, gawking tourists who dawdled in the crosswalk.”)

What Makes You Most Angry and How Will You Act Next Time?

What gets you peeved? Again and again. Lucky you. You are experiencing a Learning Moment. One that can make your life better. Eventually. Moments of anger are the wake-up calls for practicing conflict resolution.

If you don't see a pattern in what keeps happening to you it may be because you need to be hit on the head again to get the lesson. About now, you may be thinking to yourself, “Enough character-building already!”

For example, I caught myself complaining (again) about a colleague who persistently asked me for free advice. Yet she had ignored my single request for help just two months ago.

Do not let somebody else determine your behavior.

My righteousness was palpable.  But not helpful.  Thankfully I had a deadline to meet and did not have time to share my hot feelings with this colleague by phone. With time to reflect I realized she’d hit one of my hot buttons.

Instead of attacking her for continuing to expect free help from me while ignoring my request for help I could state my stance in a way more likely to be heard:

“Sheila, thank you for valuing my advice as I appreciate your expertise. Would you like to set up a cross-consulting session? That way, we might each have 30 minutes to ask the other person questions, then see if we need more time. Or, via the coaching button on my web site, you can suggest some times that are convenient for me to advise you. It’s likely that one of the times will work for me too. Thank you.”

Cool Off and Get Clear by Responding in Writing

With a hot button behavior, you are more likely to stick to your suggested solution and keep cool if you write to the other person, with your suggested course of action. I felt myself cool down as I wrote (and re-wrote) this email.

In my message to Sheila, I:

1. “Sandwiched My Specific Suggested Change Between Two Positive Statements

By starting and ending with positive comments you increase the chances that the other person must address what you suggest rather than criticize you for how you suggested it.  That’s powerful protection for you.

2.  Invoked the “two choice” gambit. 

That is I presumed that she would change her behavior rather than asking her to, by offering two alternative changes.  This is akin to the presumptive close.

Recognize Your Hot Buttons and Practice Healthy Responses to Them

Research shows each of us have three hot buttons – other’s behaviors that cause us to go bonkers. That’s when we leap to our own defense or go on the attack.

When you don’t like what someone has said or done you are also more likely to:

• Use emotion-laden words: “…thoughtlessly late.”

• Characterize the situation in the extreme: “You always…”

• Describe what peeves you yet not suggest an alternative behavior or two. (Never offer more than three.)

The Sharpest Stick Points Out the Biggest Place for Relief in Your Life

Hot button behaviors are probably the most difficult learning opportunities we face in life.  They are for me. That means even tiny changes in how we act can reap huge relief when we manage to make them.

For more ideas on how to stay positive and productive when faced with hot button behavior in others see Think Simple Now, Steve Pavlina, Bob Sutton, Tammy Lenski and the timeless book on the topic by Rick Kirschner and Rick Brinkman, Dealing with People You Can't Stand.

When Fear is Your Cue in a Bad Economy

It is often harder to focus in these uncertain times. Yet, now, more than ever, we are responsible for our own success.  Fortunately our capacity to empathize is especially appreciated now – including by our possible customers.  Yet it is surprisingly rare to come across a complete listener – perhaps the surest sign of respect. 

Want tips on how to prove you are listening and have ways to alleviate their situation? Over at Open Forum I offered some that have helped me  - both in listening more deeply and in experiencing others’ total attention to my need.  For starters, let me echo Aliza Sherman's ostensibly obvious advice: "listen before talking." As Tammy Lenkski eloquently suggests, listening enables us to reduce conflict, even in high stakes situations. What behaviors have you seen that made your believe someone was paying attention to your needs?

After the Crash: Belated Feelings on Luck - and on Quotability

I’m ashamed. Actually, it’s the fault of Jesse Kornbuth and Robert Sabbag.  

“One June night in 1979, Sabbag had the extreme bad luck to be flying with a pilot who should not have been at the controls. Two miles from the Hyannis airport, the pilot made a tragic decision and pushed the commuter plane under the fog,” writes Sabbag’s friend, Kornbluth.

“The plane hit the trees at 123 knots. It lost its wings as it crashed. They were sheared off, taking the fuel tanks with them, as the plane slammed through the forest. In an explosion of tearing sheet metal, it ripped a path through the timber, cutting thick stands of oak and pine for a distance of three hundred feet.... The seatbelt held up. Nothing else did. I hit the belt with such force that I took the seat forward with me, ripping it right out of the fuselage,” writes Sabbag.

From the first detail Sabbag pulls you in. Irrevocably.

Kornbluth explains, “The plane was in a forest that was hard to reach from a road --- not that anyone at the airport, two-and-a-half miles away, knew where it was. The pilot was dead, several passengers were trapped. Sabbag had a broken pelvis and couldn't walk. Oh, and there was a good chance the wreck would catch on fire,“ Kornbluth explains.

30 years later Sabbat hunts up the other passengers, recounts his harrowing experience and how he lost his dry sense of humor, his courage – even his ability to imagine.

I can get irritatingly preachy here about the power of being vividly specific. Regrettably, I’ve never lived up to that advice as magnificently as Sabbat. He writes like someone you’d want to get to know better. 

When Stephen King was asked how he managed to writer bestsellers, he responded, “I cut out all the boring stuff.”

 Life is too short to be bland, to speak in generalizations. To avoid saying one’s truth.  Sabbat inspires me to follow my own advice. To divulge the meaningful specifics sooner. Gulp.

"One for One"

Of course your business name is an attention grabber.  But does your business slogan:

1. Capture attention?

2. Differentiate your business from the competition?

3.  Evoke a rational and an emotionally positive response?

4. "Tip" your customer over from seeing into buying?

Or, like me, have you not yet crafted that subtitle that appears after your business name - one that cements your relationship with your customers - making them proud to buy and to tell others?

Toms Shoes sets the bar rather high with the motto, "one for one." It's the owner's commitment to give one pair of shoes to someone who badly needs them  - each time someone buys a pair.  Watch this (and flinch) to see why that promise is a life-changer.  

Who knows? A global firm may feature your small business in their advertisement to enjoy the Halo Effect. And bloggers may cover your unique story - tied to the news hook of your slogan. That can raise your profits and your capacity to do good. 

Here's to more "creative capitalism" business models that you and I can adapt to our kind of work - turning a profit while doing good.

Next: Tie your slogan to an experience that builds customers' involvement. Better yet, that brings out their better side. 

Isn't it amazing what magic the right words can conjure up?

"One for One"

Of course your business name is an attention grabber.  But does your business slogan:

1. Capture attention?

2. Differentiate your business from the competition?

3.  Evoke a rational and an emotionally positive response?

4. "Tip" your customer over from seeing into buying?

Or, like me, have you not yet crafted that subtitle that appears after your business name - one that cements your relationship with your customers - making them proud to buy and to tell others?

Toms Shoes sets the bar rather high with the motto, "one for one." It's the owner's commitment to give one pair of shoes to someone who badly needs them  - each time someone buys a pair.  Watch this (and flinch) to see why that promise is a life-changer.  

Who knows? A global firm may feature your small business in their advertisement to enjoy the Halo Effect. And bloggers may cover your unique story - tied to the news hook of your slogan. That can raise your profits and your capacity to do good. 

Here's to more "creative capitalism" business models that you and I can adapt to our kind of work - turning a profit while doing good.

Next: Tie your slogan to an experience that builds customers' involvement. Better yet, that brings out their better side. 

Isn't it amazing what magic the right words can conjure up?