Years ago I worked with a seminar company called Career Track. Their trainers offered full-day, public seminars on over 60 topics from communication to negotiation. But, by far the topic that packed the ballrooms (and burnt out trainers) was Dealing with Difficult People.
This hot topic is a timeless magnet for attention.
Upset, angry, downtrodden people came into the room ready to vent and moan about the jerks in their lives. For many, the day was for complaining before they could move to taking positive action for themselves rather than reacting against the jerk.
Since that time, dozens of books have been published on the topic, many quite good. By far my favorite is Coping with Difficult People by Robert Bramson.
This week a new book came out with a less genteel, attention-grabbing title – and fresh ideas for a ready world. It seems that many believe the author’s message that rudeness is reaching new heights and our workplace leaders should take a stand against such coarse behavior.
Stanford University professor, Robert Sutton’s book has already been translated into 14 languages: "The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't." Earlier, I wrote about Sutton’s bold characterization of Steve Jobs as “the poster child for the idea that even assholes can be successful.”
Sutton’s daring title catches the tailwind of previous precedent. In 2005, another Ivy League professor, Princeton University’s Harry Frankfurt, wrote a bestseller, “On Bullshit.” It also stirred considerable comment.
As well as advocating ways to wipe out obnoxious actions, Sutton has led a project to explore how to spread positive behavior.
According to Sutton, here’s the Dirty Dozen behaviors of assholes:
1. Personal insults
2. Invading one's personal territory
3. Uninvited personal contact
4. Threats and intimidation, both verbal and nonverbal
5. Sarcastic jokes and teasing used as insult delivery systems
6. Withering e-mail flames
7. Status slaps intended to humiliate their victims
8. Public shaming or status-degradation rituals
9. Rude interruptions
10. Two-faced attacks
11. Dirty looks
12. Treating people as if they are invisible
Here’s some tips to bringing out others' better side so they are more likely to see and support yours:
• If two people are arguing for more than ten minutes it is highly likely that they are not discussing the real, underlying conflict.
• Look to their positive intent, especially when they appear to have none.
• When in conflict one tends to see the best slant on one’s behavior and the worst part of the other person’s. Do the reverse and you are more likely to act and speak to reduce the tension in the situation.
• As humans, we instinctively resent someone seeing our worst side and will often displace our embarrassment as anger at the witnessing person. Therefore, if you think someone may be less than truthful with you in a situation, keep asking clarifying questions rather than labeling or blaming.
If you are right about the deceit your direct blaming may heighten the conflict as the other person denies, rationalizes and/or blames you back. The rift will get wider.
Instead, by asking questions, you may find out you were mistaken. If you weren’t, your persistent and non-hostile question-asking gives the other person a chance to admit, self-correct and save face. In so doing, you both have the opportunity to salvage at least some of the relationship.
• In all situation you only have three choices: change your behavior, accept the situation or leave.
• Do not let somebody else determine your behavior.
I also highly recommend Suzette Haden Elgin’s book, How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable: Getting Your Point across with the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense and, to act from a position of innate power rather than victimization, read Smart Choices by John Hammond, Ralph L. Keeney, and (one of my favorite mentors) Howard Raiffa.
