Say it Better

Return to Your Naturally Becoming Self

What campaigning politician is this journalist describing?

"’Arrogant,’ scoffed the radio host. Even his body language signaled he was slumming. During a debate, in the dank basement of a park field house, he sat with his lanky legs crossed, chin cocked at a heroic angle. He wasn't even trying to conceal his impatience with a mere state Senate peer, or with this grungy necessity of campaigning.”

Well, maybe the “lanky legs” gave it away, but this was Barack Obama way back in 2000 when he was running for senator in 2000. That’s the only race he has lost.

Three colleagues, most recently the Brand Dame, Lyn Chamberin, pointed me to the article in Salon by Chicago Reader’s Edward McClelland, “How Obama Learned to Be a Natural."

McClelland covered Obama back then. His article is instructive for any of us who are trying hard to “win” a client, cause or friendship.

Notes McClelland, “As even one of his admirers put it, ‘He was a stiff,’" as compared with a recent description by “one besotted scribe, “"tall, fresh and elegant."

Here’s my favorite passage in McClelland’s excellent article:

"’There is a tradition of politics that says we are all connected,’ he said. ‘If there is a child on the South Side who cannot read, it makes a difference in my life, even if it's not my child. If there's an Arab-American family who's being rounded up by John Ashcroft without benefit of due process, that threatens my civil liberties. Black folks, white folks, gay, straight, Asian -- the reason we can share this space is that we have a mutual regard. That's what this country's about: e pluribus unum. Out of many, one.’"

“That was the mission statement of 21st-century Obama. As a black candidate, he'd been too inhibited, too embarrassed, to force out phrases like "our community." Finally, he was comfortable in his own skin, now that he'd accepted that the skin was half-white. Obama wasn't born to be a voice of black empowerment, like Rush or Jesse Jackson.

It's not just a racial thing. It's generational, too.

Confrontational '60s-style politics are not his bag. But as a multicultural politician, trying to find the unified theory of ethnic politics, he was rolling like Tiger Woods at the Masters. The aloofness was gone as well. Very intently, he laid out his plan for a federal Children's Health Insurance Program.”

“The wrong ‘no’ can destroy

what we most value by alienating and angering people,” explains William Ury, co-author of Getting to Yes. Next month he elaborates in his new book, The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes.

My now retired literary agent and friend, Patti Breitman co-authored with Connie Hatch a book on the same theme some years ago that I have turned to more than once: How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty. I look forward to seeing how they compare.

Then, in April, look for Jennifer Hecht’s take on another popular topic these days, The Happiness Myth: Why What We Think is Wrong. It is a thoughtful, fresh variation of Stumbling on Happiness.

You’ll find more on happiness here and here and here ... and here, thanks to Ben Casanocha.

Ladies Who Launch – Better Together

What to expect when you partner, in smart ways? Here’s what the business partner of the author of What to Expect When You’re Expecting - expected for her life.

Lisa expected she’d birth a business as she supported a cause and created community. With the right partners it all happened faster in ways that have made her proud and happy.

“Lisa Bernstein says she always wanted her professional life to be ‘about’ something,” is the opening sentence that pulled me into the inspiring interview in Ladies Who Launch.

She “joined forces with Heidi Murkoff and the late Arlene Eisenberg, authors of the bible for moms-to-be 'What to Expect When You're Expecting,' and launched The What to Expect Foundation.”

“They created the non-profit What to Expect Foundation to help low-income expecting families receive comprehensive health and literacy support so they too can expect healthier pregnancies, safer deliveries and happy babies. The Foundation's Baby Basics program has reached about 200,000 women nationwide through clinics and health departments.”

From waiting tables to volunteering to promoting books to creating the business that mirrored her values, used her best talents - and is profitable - read how Lisa turned her jobs into stepping stones to this place in her life.

Lisa seems to have an innate talent for attracting the partnerships that enable her to leverage the value and visibility of her work. This year has already demonstrated how it helps her flourish in her work and life.

"This year has brought two great things. One, just as we were ready to expand our program, Clorox came to us and said (they) would really like to do a program where we can stop the spread of cold and flu among families. Thus the birth of the "What To Expect Guide To A Healthy Home" funded by Clorox. Again we've helped moms learn about something important, and then we took the fees and donation from Clorox ($1 million) and can use it just in time to expand our program.

"Also, we've just partnered with Glaxo Smith Kline to do a What To Expect Immunization program. Again Heidi has donated her time, and we'll receive $1 million - and will expand the program into baby's first year of life."

Reading these interviews can be addictive. Visit other parts of Ladies Who Launch, brought to you by the bright partners who co-founded it, Beth Schoenfeldt and Victoria Colligan.

Rats, Roaches and Semantic Stretch

It’s like yelling “fire” when there isn’t one. You’ll be ignored when you really need to be heard when you over-reach in making a comparision that can’t be justified. Made to Stick co-authors, Dan and Chip Heath dub this "semantic stretch" – and it is worth your reading.

One example they offer:

"We look at getting rid of the Confederacy as cultural genocide. They're attacking my ancestors, they're attacking my culture, they're attacking my heritage."
— Mr. Robert Banks, Member of Sons of the Confederate Veterans, Atlanta Journal, December 14, 1992.

The Heaths write, “’Semantic stretch’ refers to the way that words can be overused to the point where their impact is diluted. I.e., if people start using the word "genocide" to mean "saying bad things about the Confederate flag," and if the word is overused enough times and in enough situations, the term starts to lose the full measure of emotional horror that it should rightfully possess.”

While you read this blog comment at Powell’s Books’ excellent web site you may well be tempted to look around at their other blogs and reviews.

What They Flock to Talk About

Years ago I worked with a seminar company called Career Track. Their trainers offered full-day, public seminars on over 60 topics from communication to negotiation. But, by far the topic that packed the ballrooms (and burnt out trainers) was Dealing with Difficult People.

This hot topic is a timeless magnet for attention.

Upset, angry, downtrodden people came into the room ready to vent and moan about the jerks in their lives. For many, the day was for complaining before they could move to taking positive action for themselves rather than reacting against the jerk.

Since that time, dozens of books have been published on the topic, many quite good. By far my favorite is Coping with Difficult People by Robert Bramson.

This week a new book came out with a less genteel, attention-grabbing title – and fresh ideas for a ready world. It seems that many believe the author’s message that rudeness is reaching new heights and our workplace leaders should take a stand against such coarse behavior.

Stanford University professor, Robert Sutton’s book has already been translated into 14 languages: "The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't." Earlier, I wrote about Sutton’s bold characterization of Steve Jobs as “the poster child for the idea that even assholes can be successful.”

Sutton’s daring title catches the tailwind of previous precedent. In 2005, another Ivy League professor, Princeton University’s Harry Frankfurt, wrote a bestseller, “On Bullshit.” It also stirred considerable comment.

As well as advocating ways to wipe out obnoxious actions, Sutton has led a project to explore how to spread positive behavior.

According to Sutton, here’s the Dirty Dozen behaviors of assholes:

1. Personal insults
2. Invading one's personal territory
3. Uninvited personal contact
4. Threats and intimidation, both verbal and nonverbal
5. Sarcastic jokes and teasing used as insult delivery systems
6. Withering e-mail flames
7. Status slaps intended to humiliate their victims
8. Public shaming or status-degradation rituals
9. Rude interruptions
10. Two-faced attacks
11. Dirty looks
12. Treating people as if they are invisible

Here’s some tips to bringing out others' better side so they are more likely to see and support yours:

• If two people are arguing for more than ten minutes it is highly likely that they are not discussing the real, underlying conflict.

• Look to their positive intent, especially when they appear to have none.

• When in conflict one tends to see the best slant on one’s behavior and the worst part of the other person’s. Do the reverse and you are more likely to act and speak to reduce the tension in the situation.

• As humans, we instinctively resent someone seeing our worst side and will often displace our embarrassment as anger at the witnessing person. Therefore, if you think someone may be less than truthful with you in a situation, keep asking clarifying questions rather than labeling or blaming.

If you are right about the deceit your direct blaming may heighten the conflict as the other person denies, rationalizes and/or blames you back. The rift will get wider.

Instead, by asking questions, you may find out you were mistaken. If you weren’t, your persistent and non-hostile question-asking gives the other person a chance to admit, self-correct and save face. In so doing, you both have the opportunity to salvage at least some of the relationship.

• In all situation you only have three choices: change your behavior, accept the situation or leave.

• Do not let somebody else determine your behavior.

I also highly recommend Suzette Haden Elgin’s book, How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable: Getting Your Point across with the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense and, to act from a position of innate power rather than victimization, read Smart Choices by John Hammond, Ralph L. Keeney, and (one of my favorite mentors) Howard Raiffa.

Where Are You?

Much to my surprise 773 people have looked at the Frappr map of the Say it Better community (see it at the bottom right of the blog) and many have also put a pin in on our Frappr map to show the rest of us where in the world they are.

I know that most of you prefer to send me emails in response to my posts and far more of you "lurk" as the geeks call the behavior of viewing yet not commenting (that's ok I grew up shy and more of an observer) yet your thoughts would be most welcome here. I look forward to seeing you on the map.

Happy weekend.

The Tiara Syndrome

The Brand Dame, Lyn Chamberlin has a great post on what Carol Frohlinger and Deborah Kolb, have dubbed "The Tiara Syndrome." As Lyn describes this view that most of us women, in our work, have felt at some time or another: “if-I'm-good-they-will-come mindset.”

New Yorker Cartoons Come Alive

… and get introduced to a much wider audience in the days and weeks to come.

How? The New Yorker is partnering with Ringtales to animate the New Yorker’s cartoons. To view them you’ll have to see an inserted ad.

For those of us avid readers who love the cartoons I anticipate the reaction to this news may be split among the already ruffled “never change’ traditionalists, the captivated and the simply curious. Yet I believe that this approach will introduce a vast new audience to the addictive cartoons some of us have commented on, cut out and shared for years.

Imagine the New Yorker's huge library of 100,000 cartoons to be offered for free (I’ll tolerate a short ad to see them again in this new fashion) and “syndicated across the internet” according to Jim Cox, CEO of RingTales, as reported by MarketingVox via ClickZ.

Soon you’ll be able to get them at the magazine or at iTunes.
See some right now.

I enjoyed them all but especially Feigned Affection and Web Hounds.

Cartoonists may gain more fame and income with this technology and owners of web sites may want to offer relevant animated cartoons on their site. Perhaps as The New Yorker hosts on the last page of the magazine, online social networks and other web site owners might host a contest for the best cartoon captions.

Not surprisingly, Ringtale founding partner, Mike Frye has an inventive background.

The Golden Road

It didn't matter that our plane sat stalled on the warm tarmac at Orlando's airport. Frankly I didn't notice when we finally took off. Because I swiftly entered the world of "a Latino neighborhood in San Jose, California," then a "more affluent but quietly hostile white-bread Silicon Valley suburbs being transformed out of all recognition by boom times" led by Caille Millner, author of The Golden Road. So engrossing is this young woman's story that when I forced myself to put down her book and visit the plane's restroom, my seatmate picked up the book to see what it was about.

"For most of us,' writes 27-year-old journalist Millner in her sober, disheartening memoir about upward mobility in northern California, 'Harvard was our first, and possibly last opportunity to be part of a substantial black community."

Millner's been a heart-felt social commentator for some while.

Way back in 1996, she writes presciently about the movie (The American President), "I realized something-- It is about Election 96--yet only a surreal spin on it, the way America wishes its government would behave."

She's written dozens of articles and she wrote her first book at age 16. She co-authored The Promise: How One Woman Made Good on her Extraordinary Pact to Send a Classroom of First Graders to College. She's on the editorial board of my "local" paper, the San Franciscco Chronicle. Today Caille's signing books at Stacey's just five minutes from there.

Her conscience shines through the topics she chooses and I look forward to meeting her one day.

Lust in Translation

“Straying isn't what it used to be, Silvio” Pamela Drukerman notes in her article written about the same time I also commented on Veronica Lario’s front-page letter of rebuke to her ever flirting, flamboyant, billionaire husband Silvio Berlusconi, the former prime minister of Italy.

Writes the former Wall Street Journal correspondent, Druckerman, “The authors of ‘Sexus Politicus’ recently concluded that Charles de Gaulle was the only French president in modern memory who didn't enjoy a few petites amies. European statesmen may not be able to enjoy this private club for much longer, however. Wives are rebelling.”

But European marital sparring somehow manages to sound more passionate and even elevated compared to the rehab, romance (and rabidly worse) stories about, say, Britney and Anna Nicole.

Extramarital affairs and how they differ around the world have been on Druckerman’s mind for some while. In April, you’ll learn what she’s discovered when her book comes out, Lust in Translation: The Rules of Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee.

After talking with Pamela’s publisher’s publicist, Buzz Girl wrote, that the book is “a global look at how and why people cheat on their spouses and how different rules govern illicit love in different parts of the world. No surprise, we are the true puritans.”

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that she won’t have trouble getting TV and other media interviews.

Here’s an excerpt from Publishers Weekly: “Druckerman concludes from one study that people in warmer climes cheat more (Scandinavia is the exception), while people in wealthy countries tend to cheat less than those in poor countries (exception: Kazakhstan). Druckerman found that the rules of sexual cultures differ widely: adultery is the least dangerous social evil in Russia, while in Japan, buying sex doesn't count as cheating.”

Global buzz is already building for this book.

“When the phone rang in his hotel room in Xian, China, Jim Benning expected to face a frustrating language barrier. He never could have imagined a woman with a sultry voice cooing at the other end…”

“Increasingly, however, Japan’s inveterate train gropers — among other fetishists — are finding new avenues for gratification….”

“Who says a communication gap between Mandarin and English should ruin a pleasant conversation between a visitor and a "business woman"? ....

Bradford Plumer “assumed that Pamela Druckerman's book was great fun to write. But she says that's not wholly true.”