Say it Better

Tip From Monty Python’s Argument Clinic

As you see in this hilarious sketch from Monty Python’s Flying Circus, disagreements get worse when people can’t even agree on what they are arguing about.

In fact, many arguments start when one person does not feel heard and/or understood by the other person such as this interview-turned-contentious-conversation between fighter Floyd Mayweather and interviewer Brian Kenny.  

Then we talk at cross-purposes or on different topics, attempting to get the other person to talk about what’s really important – to us.

Hint:  Especially when things turned heated with someone first prove to that person that you heard what he said.

Then, without appearing condescending, probe for the underlying concern.

Why is that helpful?  Because problems seldom exist at the level at which they are expressed. 

Until you understand their main concern you will not know the best way to address it.

By probing, you show interest in their views. You increase the chances that he will be open to hearing your response.

But not always.

Two other things struck me again from watching the python sketches - is the high level of civility – even during an argument and the colorful yet not profane use of language.

BTW, to celebrate Conflict Resolution Day on October 15^th why not start thinking of a critic or adversary. What is the main thing you genuinely respect about that person on who is difficult for you?  Send that individual a postcard, writing vividly and specifically about that quality. Who knows? you might get on a roll and write four such postcards. 

Getting Others to Stop Arguing: What We Can Learn From Obama’s Cairo Speech

To stop their arguing, fighting or worse, rise above the fray and create a new narrative – one to which all sides can relate. They can see themselves more or less fairly described in that story.

 I am paraphrasing David Brooks’ characterization of Obama’s goal in his Cairo speech because it has wider application to our daily lives – attempting to get past rancor and towards bringing out the better side in others.

By crafting a characterization of the situation that seems almost balanced to all sides you may have a path for dialogue. You may have stopped them from acting out the same fractious script. 

In your story, your characterization of what happened that lead to the friction:

1.  Provide specific details of what happened without using emotion-laden words that lead listeners to believe you are taking sides.

2. Then and only then suggest a brighter future for all sides: what each person or group should get or be able to do and what they should give up – and why. As Guy Harris writes, focus on the future actions you want.

3. Before individuals can continue to argue their story (their first instinct) rather than responding to your approach, ask them, “What about this approach – or other better way would you suggest – that you think would satisfy the others here?”

If someone continues to argue for their side, do the “broken record” response to bring them back to finding a middle ground:  Repeat what you just said, only more briefly (the tendency is to be more wordy at this point): “Specifically, what would make this situation better for all of you?”

 If they do start discussing what would make it better but then get stuck in arguing or accusing make this suggestion:  I know there are better things you all would like to be doing right now so remember, you don’t have to forgive to forge ahead. 

 Just let go of the past for now. To paraphrase Lily Tomlin, give up all hope for a better past.

Sometimes you can’t help others move on past a conflict. You must let go. Often it is because one or more of the individuals involved holds onto their story of being wronged as a central narrative to their life. Sadly, it is what gives their life meaning.  Or one or more of the individuals is what Tammy Lenski dubs a conflict junkie.  

In closing let’s return to where I began this post. Consider that your highest role in times of conflict is as Obama said in Cairo, “to speak the truth as best I can.”  Using Obama’s approach can raise the bar of expected behavior for all involved:

 “So long as our relationship is defined by our differences, we will empower those who sow hatred rather than peace, and who promote conflict rather than the cooperation… I do so recognizing that change cannot happen overnight…. 

But I am convinced that in order to move forward, we must say openly the things we hold in our hearts, and that too often are said only behind closed doors. There must be a sustained effort to listen to each other; to learn from each other; to respect one another; and to seek common ground.” 

What to Do When That Jerk Does it Again

By far, the most difficult seminar to teach at CareerTrack, among the 200 offered, was Dealing With Difficult People. Instructors burnt out on it. That jerk in their life was top of mind when attendees came into class. 

By the first break, the speaker had presented three concrete tips to make things better. Yet attendees rushed up, not to explain which method they’d try first, but to fervently share their horror story. We discovered that it is extremely difficult for anyone to:

• Get out of the rut of complaining to others.

• Suggest something that "would make it better for both of us" or ask the other person for a suggestion.

• See how one’s own behavior could be difficult for others.

(Crossing the bustling streets in London I noticed how impatient motorists seemed to be. Back in Sausalito, driving through town I complained about the “obliviously slow, gawking tourists who dawdled in the crosswalk.”)

What Makes You Most Angry and How Will You Act Next Time?

What gets you peeved? Again and again. Lucky you. You are experiencing a Learning Moment. One that can make your life better. Eventually. Moments of anger are the wake-up calls for practicing conflict resolution.

If you don't see a pattern in what keeps happening to you it may be because you need to be hit on the head again to get the lesson. About now, you may be thinking to yourself, “Enough character-building already!”

For example, I caught myself complaining (again) about a colleague who persistently asked me for free advice. Yet she had ignored my single request for help just two months ago.

Do not let somebody else determine your behavior.

My righteousness was palpable.  But not helpful.  Thankfully I had a deadline to meet and did not have time to share my hot feelings with this colleague by phone. With time to reflect I realized she’d hit one of my hot buttons.

Instead of attacking her for continuing to expect free help from me while ignoring my request for help I could state my stance in a way more likely to be heard:

“Sheila, thank you for valuing my advice as I appreciate your expertise. Would you like to set up a cross-consulting session? That way, we might each have 30 minutes to ask the other person questions, then see if we need more time. Or, via the coaching button on my web site, you can suggest some times that are convenient for me to advise you. It’s likely that one of the times will work for me too. Thank you.”

Cool Off and Get Clear by Responding in Writing

With a hot button behavior, you are more likely to stick to your suggested solution and keep cool if you write to the other person, with your suggested course of action. I felt myself cool down as I wrote (and re-wrote) this email.

In my message to Sheila, I:

1. “Sandwiched My Specific Suggested Change Between Two Positive Statements

By starting and ending with positive comments you increase the chances that the other person must address what you suggest rather than criticize you for how you suggested it.  That’s powerful protection for you.

2.  Invoked the “two choice” gambit. 

That is I presumed that she would change her behavior rather than asking her to, by offering two alternative changes.  This is akin to the presumptive close.

Recognize Your Hot Buttons and Practice Healthy Responses to Them

Research shows each of us have three hot buttons – other’s behaviors that cause us to go bonkers. That’s when we leap to our own defense or go on the attack.

When you don’t like what someone has said or done you are also more likely to:

• Use emotion-laden words: “…thoughtlessly late.”

• Characterize the situation in the extreme: “You always…”

• Describe what peeves you yet not suggest an alternative behavior or two. (Never offer more than three.)

The Sharpest Stick Points Out the Biggest Place for Relief in Your Life

Hot button behaviors are probably the most difficult learning opportunities we face in life.  They are for me. That means even tiny changes in how we act can reap huge relief when we manage to make them.

For more ideas on how to stay positive and productive when faced with hot button behavior in others see Think Simple Now, Steve Pavlina, Bob Sutton, Tammy Lenski and the timeless book on the topic by Rick Kirschner and Rick Brinkman, Dealing with People You Can't Stand.

What to Do When a Friend Betrays You

Last month two friends broke trust. One offered to do something vital, didn't and didn’t tell me. Another shared private information about me with a stranger. I don’t know which felt worse. I do know it’s a sign to re-learn lessons. Remember when you felt betrayed?

"Trust is the glue that holds relationships together." ~ Price Pritchett

Recall that hot flush of recognition when you first realized that someone you knew would act one way and didn't?

What to do? How not to become bitter or wary? Funny how one betrayal is closely followed by another wrenching experience -- or so it seems. Even if one's life is on a fairly even keel, one trust-breaker situation makes the second one hit harder- if we let it.

"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see; you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too -- even when you're in the dark. Even when you are falling." ~ Morrie Schwartz, quoted in Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom.

My first reaction was to re-run the wrenching situation in my mind, over and over, digging a deeper rut in my memory. Dumb, right? Those scenes dominated my thoughts more than the recent, joyful times. 

Consequently I viewed others through a cautious, constricted-heart lens. That begets a self-fulfilling prophecy. People feel put off.

"No idea will work if people don't trust your intentions toward them." ~ Marcus Buckingham, Now, Discover Your Strengths

We’ve all faced mind-grabbing breaks of trust, and will again. Conversely, we have betrayed another's trust and dodged rather than rectified the situation.

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough." ~ Frank H. Crane

For more than a decade, I've studied, taught, and written about focusing attention on the positive parts of every interaction. Yet, like breathing, it isn't a one-time practice.

"Character is what you really are. Reputation is what people say you are. A person of character is trustworthy. The other kind looks for an easy way out." ~ John Wooden

Getting back to equilibrium means letting go of a better past. Every negative action comes from the root feeling of fear.

 “Trust is the heartbeat of every significant relationship"  ~ Cynthia L. Wall and Sue Patton Thoel

 That does not mean we have to stand in the street and let the same car hit us again. 

The next time you lose trust, try taking these steps forward towards equanimity for yourself:

1. Let the full emotional effect of the betrayal sink in and don’t re-run the scene more than three times.

2. Step into the other person’s shoes to see the interaction their way. Is this a pattern in his behavior towards you or is it an anomaly?

3. Look to the part of that person's potentially positive intent, especially when he appeared to have none in that situation. You will see the whole picture more clearly and calmly.

4. Praise the part of that person’s behavior you want to reinforce and to flourish. (Ironically, this is one of your most self-protective tools in such moments.)

5.  Ask her for a time to talk. Then, in factual, non-blaming language, describe the specific behavior that bothered you. Next describe your feelings. Then wait for a response. 

6. Listen closely and with an open heart and mind to the answer.  If your picture of her actions was accurate, and if she is solely defensive –without offering a change in behavior, then you have learned a lot.

7. If someone breaks trust with you twice it is highly likely there’ll be a third time so why place yourself in that position? 

My friend, Paul Geffner says we gather many friends and acquaintances over our lifetime. The key to living well with them is to recognize the right distance in which to hold them.  Those you enjoy and trust you bring closer. 

Asking someone to change behavior after you have described its ill effects on you, will seldom lead to positive change. More likely it will engender defensiveness and avoidance.  Unfortunately, the relative power in the situation (who needs whom the most) will determine how you two communicate in the future. But it doesn’t have to determine the safe distance you choose to have with that person.

8. Choose your distance. You always have three choices in any situation: Change how you act towards that person, accept her behavior or leave (avoid future contact.)

"No idea will work if people don't trust your intentions toward them." ~ Marcus Buckingham, Now, Discover Your Strengths

The lesson: Sooner, rather than later, take these steps. Choose what you can do positively for yourself rather than against another. The more quickly you'll climb out of that negative "re-run" rut of thoughts and toward the positive part of that person, the more likely you’ll return to an even keel – and the more likely you’ll be able to preserve a properly distanced relationship. 

More About Dissolving Conflict, Part Two of Two

Here's the second part of my two-part post on Resolving Conflict Sooner. Hope you find it helpful....

Bring Out Their Best Side So They Can See Yours

Act as if he means well, especially if he appears not to — not for his sake, but for yours. The more you can look to someone else's positive intent, the greater the likelihood you can respond to her comments before she adds more or elaborates.

Follow this easy-to-remember four-step process when responding to criticism. Remember, it is never comfortable to hear negative comments, yet with this approach, you’ll increase your ease in the moment:

"AAAA" Approach to Responding to Criticism

Step One: Acknowledge Their Need or Interest

Acknowledge that you heard the person — with a pause (buys time for both of you to cool off), a nod, or a verbal acknowledgment demonstrating you heard. Whether the criticism is justified or not, an attempt to avoid discussing it will loom large in the minds of bystanders and stick to you like flypaper as you attempt to move on. Do not disagree or counterattack.

Prove you have heard the person's comment perhaps by saying, "I understand you have a concern" rather than "You shouldn't have…" Avoid blaming or "bad-labeling" language such as "That's a lie" or "You don't know what you're talking about" which only pours hot coals on the heat of escalation and hardens the person into a position with an urge to elaborate.

Step Two: Ask for More About it

Ask for more information so you both can cool off more and stay focused on the issue, not the feelings or personalities. Go slow to go faster later in reaching agreement about how to resolve the criticism. Try to warm up to the part of the person you can respect.

Focus on the positive part of her mentally, and refer to it verbally: "You are so dedicated" or "knowledgeable" or whatever self-image leads her to criticize you. The more fully the other person feels heard, the more likely she will be receptive to your response, whether to agree or disagree.

Step Three: Align With Where You Agree

Align with something the other person has said with which you agree. That is, first speak to the common ground you feel is not in dispute. There may be only one, apparently small point, but starting with the positive creates some momentum forward.

If, in listening, you can find no point of agreement, refer to the part of the person's positive self-image that might have inspired him to raise his concerns. For example, you might say, " I understand you want to be very thorough in how you approach these matters" or "I know that you really care about this project…"

Step Four: Add Your Own

Add your own point of view, asking permission first. If you believe the other's comments are accurate, say so. If an apology is in order, give it sooner rather than later. Then say what you plan to do differently to respond to the criticism.

Ask for the person's response to your comments and again say thanks for being thoughtful in offering them. If you find truth in the criticism, the sooner you verbally agree, the more likely you will engender respect from the other person and any others who witness the interaction.

In fact, if you tell others who are important to that person that you were wrong and appreciate having it pointed it out to you, you will feel and appear more comfortable with yourself. If, on the other hand, you disagree with the comments, say "May I tell you my perspective?" This sets the other person up to give you permission to state your view, as you have been willing to listen to his.

Here are some other ways to respond to criticism:

Dump Their Stuff Back in Their Laps

If someone is verbally dumping on you, do not interrupt, counter, or counterattack in midstream, which only prolongs and intensifies her comments. When the person has finished, ask, "Is there anything else you want to add?"

Ask the Person Who Raised an Issue Suggest How to Solve It

Then say, "What would make this situation better for us?" or "How can we improve this situation in a way you believe we can both accept?" What Will Make it Better?

Ask the person to propose a solution to the issue being raised. If he continues to complain or attack, acknowledge you heard him each time and, like a broken record, repeat yourself in increasingly brief language variations: "What will make it better?"

State your view and what you would like from him. If he disagrees, ask, "What would make this situation better for both of us?"

Move the other person from a mode of criticizing to one of problem-solving. If he continues to criticize, again act like a broken record. In a calm voice, acknowledge and then ask more briefly, "I understand you have a concern, and we disagree. What would make it better for us both?"

If the other person continues on the downward track of criticism, say, "I want to find a way to resolve your concern. When do you want to talk about it next?" In this way, you can remove yourself from the tone of that discussion and put the other person in the position of initiating follow-up.

Presume Innocence

What if you believe another person is actually lying to you? "Naive you are if you believe life favors those who aren't naive," Mason Williams once said. Nobody wants to be told they are wrong. Whenever you have reason to believe someone is lying or not making sense, you will not build rapport by pointing it out to them.

Enable Others To Self-Correct to Save Face

Allow the person to save face by asking questions until you lose imagination or control. Say, for example, "How does that relate to…" (then state the apparently conflicting information). You might find you were wrong, and thus you save face. Or, by your continued non-threatening questions, you can "softly corner" the other person into self-correcting and protect your future relationship.

Learn How Personalities Clash

To gain insights into the kinds of people most likely to criticize you and those you are most likely to criticize, learn more about your personality type according to the classic Myers-Briggs process. Even if you have taken the test in the past, you can take a quick, free refresher course on the Internet.

Demonstrate Visible Good Will Up Front

When criticized, you are more likely to find resolutions sooner if the other person comes to trust your positive intent. Demonstrate your willingness to find a compromise and your ability to be genial, even — and especially — if you don't like the person or the situation. Often the best solution to a criticism leaves both parties a little unhappy, but not enough to retaliate later on. You are both somewhat satisfied with your compromise and willing to move on.

Know that "Less is Often More" especially in the beginning, listen more, talk and move less, and keep your motions and voice lower and slower. These animal behaviors increase the chances others will feel more safe and comfortable around you.

Again Act to Enable Them to Save Face, Preserve the Relationship
If you think someone is lying, keep asking questions (until you lose control or run out of imagination) rather than accusing them of misrepresentation. Asking questions gives you time to see if you were mistaken, thus possibly saving face for yourself, while gently cornering them to make a self-admission that they were mistaken and volunteer an alternative.

You also leave room to escalate later. Honor commonalities more frequently than bringing up the differences. Whatever you refer to most and most intensely will be the center of your relationship. Keep referring to the part of them and their points that you can support and want to expand upon.

Let Them See It Differently

If the other person does not accept your response at first, consider making the same suggestion later on and in a different way. Do not overlook rearranging elements of the same suggestion or offering to find a more mutually attractive compromise.

Choose Your Approach

Contemplate how you say what you say. Consider the other perspective in how you make any request. For example, a priest once asked his superior if he could smoke while praying, which led to a negative answer. Yet if he'd asked if he could pray while smoking, he might have received a more positive response. In considering any of these ways to respond to criticism, know that the worst way is to keep it inside and festering. Your reactions always show, one way or the other.
~ ~ ~

You may also want to read about The Kind of Anger That’s the Biggest Killer, ways teams can resolve conflict, provided by Guy Harris and insights on how to see the whole picture from Joe Schulte.

The Kind of Anger That’s the Biggest Killer

Staying angry is akin to holding on hard to a vibrating pole. Winston Churchill once said, “A man is about as big as the things that make him angry.” It's not just a matter of character but of survival.

Here's the surprise. The effects of anger on health have more to do with how long the bouts last than how frequently or intense they are, according to Steve Stosny, author of You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore.

It’s the long-lasting, even low-grade simmers that damage your body and psyche. To paraphrase Stosny, the normal experience of overt anger lasts only a few minutes. But the subtle forms of anger, such as resentment, impatience, irritability, grouchiness, etc., can go on for hours and days at a time. Persistent, prolonged angry times mean you have a five times greater chance of dying before age 50.

Anger elevates blood pressure and the possibility of stroke, heart disease, cancer, depression, anxiety disorders and it depresses the immune system.

People who are frequently angry also have more aches and pains or get more colds and bouts of flu or headaches or upset stomachs.

Angry people are more likely to attempt to numb their upsetting feelings by smoking, using drugs or drinking, or through compulsive behaviors like workaholism and perfectionism.

Writes Stosney, “Because anger acts as an amphetamine on the entire central nervous system, it always produces a physiological "crash." This crash often feels like depression when the issue that evoked the anger is not resolved.” The good news, according to Stosny is that you don't have to talk about it to improve your mood and marriage, yet here's this if you do.

Ready to test your level of anger or resentment? I think I'll share these insight next weekend at CLA. There are ways to disagree without being disagreeable.

Ambush in Mosul

What is “reality TV” compared to this? Hear former Army infantryman Colby Buzzell narrate his wrenching true story in this four-minute animated movie called “Men in Black.” Events like it are happening every day in Iraq. Buzzell wrote about the incident in his blog, came home from his tour of duty and wrote a “raw, edgy” memoir of his time in Iraq. This was one time I was grateful for plane flight delays as I read My War in one long day that took me from airport hubs gate areas where I waited and read my way into the middle of the real “killing time.”
And to think he went to high school less than an hour from here.

The incident in the short movie was part of a PBS show Operation Homecoming. Read hundreds of military blogs from American troops serving in Iraq. You may not see many fresh posts.

Recall these stories the next time you see an ad inviting young people to fight this “war”, “Army Strong.”

From “Mean” Speech to Death Threats

Scaring esteemed blogger, Kathy Sierra, into canceling a speaking appearance, staying locked in fear in her home, then finally stopping her blog. The dregs of the online "community" who attacked her get to hear other views today.

To elevate this into a global discussion and create a viral campaign of push-back against this psychological terrorism, Andy Carvin declared this Friday as Stop Cyberbullying Day. I joined.

We can't stop sick images, profanity and death threats but we can speak out against them.

Irony. Scoble's protest against what happened to Kathy and to him and his wife was a "fast" against blogging. That blog stoppage stimulated a flood of blogging.

Several self-described “mean” bloggers, some well-known and others cowardly anonymous, turned their right to free speech into hateful, then obscene and finally deadly language and images. Kathy chronicled what happened to her. The danger spread.

As a woman, I am sad that at least one prominent woman, a member of BlogHer, was involved in this hate and attack campaign. But that turned up the heat even further on this front burner issue today with Lisa Stone’s unequivocal response.

Sierra didn’t mean to become a central character for the evolving issue of rights, community and etiquette. But the horrible story of what’s happened to her has become an instant primer for lively discussion today. We don’t want Big Brother intervention.

Yet it could happen to any one of us. And it will. Research on human behavior shows that copycatting incidents will happen.

Free speech was one of the two of the most compelling topics in journalism school that tempted me to consider law school.

We all know that, in this rapidly evolving Age of Engagement we are experiencing steep upside and downside benefits. The upside are the friends and colleagues with whom we can collaborate and forge deep friendships, sometimes without meeting face-to-face. The downside has reared its ugly head again and has sucked our attention towards it. Our stand today against such depravity is not a one-time action.

But it is visible action.

Today, when I speak at a conference – and at the five others in April, I will be weaving into my speech this central issue to our quality of life, our culture – our symbol of what we must stand for. I hope other speakers join us in raising this issue.

I also hope you take some time to consider how you will act in support of others who will face these attacks in the future – and if it happens to you.

You're More Likely to Recover

from a death of a spouse than a divorce.

Surprise you too? That's what Michigan State University psychologist, Richard Lucas, discovered in his long-term research, as covered in a fascinating article by "Mind Matters" columnist Wray Herbert.

Herbert reports, "Widows and widowers do get over their grief, but it takes a full seven years for that recovery to occur. Divorce and job loss, on the other hand, seem to leave people permanently scarred."

Some of his other findings about human resilience in the face of upset or tragedy also startled me, until I thought about them some more. The underlying reasons for the varying recovery times may help you understand your reaction to some of the biggest jolts in your life.

Herbert's "We're Only Human" blog covers more fascinating "human behavior" territory including the infamous "Prisoners and Guards" experiment that was conducted by one of my mentors, who just retired this year, Philip Zimbardo.

Do we all have an evil, dark side?

As his colleague psychology professor Lee Ross said, upon hearing Zimbardo's final lecture on The Lucifer Effect, “He goes the extra mile that a lot of us would be embarrassed to go.” Here's a post in Harpers magazine on why coverage of that bold lecture may have been muted. Please read it in light of Iraq’s Abu Ghraib prison - and get chills. His book came out yesterday. I wish it was required reading in every high school.

Who would you be without it?

Anger may unwittingly be an important part of your identity according to Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.D.

Who would you be without it?

How angry are you? Take this Test Your Anger quiz and find out. Don’t recommend it to someone else as it may add oil to the fire.