Say it Better

Marines and journalists are alike in some ways, especially as compared to civilians I realized by reading Jeffrey D. Barnett’s column on post-war life.   We expect clear, direct, accurate communication. Civilians’ roundabout talk frustrates us.

Journalists need the illuminating example, the “hook” upon which we hang the story. Yet most people talk in generalities.  Soldiers can’t waste time on such fluff. Reporters have deadlines.  Yet in the civilian life, notes Barnett, “everybody swaps stories and chats at work, but not on a deadline.”

Lives often depend on soldiers’ quick and clear communication. All journalists and their bosses who assign stories expect brevity and swiftness in assigning the story so maximum time can be spent on getting it done. We take orders. Give our word to get things done.

That’s why, in civilian life as a corporate division leader, I was incredulous when confronted with the amount of time people spent in meandering meetings and, worse yet, when individuals did not keep the agreements they made in those meetings  - and were not embarrassed nor held accountable. 

Then, of course, there’s the other conundrum, Barnett brings up that confounds journalists and soldiers: What punctuality means to some people in civilian life - and how different company cultures actually tolerate - even expect  - tardiness, and divided attention from the top executives.

When we want to be productive we soldiers and reporters yearn for accountability. When talking, keep it short and simple.

Now I will get off my high horse and admit that there are downsides to such direct communication, as Dianna Booher suggests.  This communication expert and wife of an Army colonel, describes the military style as:

• Direct, to-the-point

• Non-emotional, detached

• Loud

• Forceful

• Prompt (in responding to questions)

• Decisive (in charge)

• Commanding, demanding, telling (not asking)

• Declarative statements (not questions)

• Rigid body language (at attention)

• Blank, non-expressive facial expression

Such an approach, I know first hand, can appear harsh and unfeeling to civilians – even to the wives of soldiers.

Relatedly, there’s the continuing friction between the techies and the sales folks, the scientists and the promoters. 

What are your communication hot buttons and how have they been reinforced or eased by the kind of work you do? 

Short Film on How to Say it Better

This may be your fastest (and gently heart-tugging) way to experience the power of how you say it better. 

Make your message personal so that they can’t help but feel and respond to it. 

In an increasingly connected world one of the greatest wonders is that your idea or characterization of a situation can influence more people than a million dollar campaign – if it is more compelling.  

The added bonus is when you inspire others to join you with their contributions. Thank you Michele Miller and Jeffrey Eisenberg for passing it along to me.

 

When Fear is Your Cue in a Bad Economy

It is often harder to focus in these uncertain times. Yet, now, more than ever, we are responsible for our own success.  Fortunately our capacity to empathize is especially appreciated now – including by our possible customers.  Yet it is surprisingly rare to come across a complete listener – perhaps the surest sign of respect. 

Want tips on how to prove you are listening and have ways to alleviate their situation? Over at Open Forum I offered some that have helped me  - both in listening more deeply and in experiencing others’ total attention to my need.  For starters, let me echo Aliza Sherman's ostensibly obvious advice: "listen before talking." As Tammy Lenkski eloquently suggests, listening enables us to reduce conflict, even in high stakes situations. What behaviors have you seen that made your believe someone was paying attention to your needs?

Without Words, What Are You Telling the World?

You've got to be believed to be heard, suggests Bert Decker. The secret is all in understanding a code. It is an elaborate code, written nowhere, known by none, yet understood by all, as Stephen Dubner noted in this photo. 

This secret is how we tell each other, without words, how we see ourselves and the world - and how we want to be seen. How do others perceive you, especially upon first meeting you face-to-face? 

How well do you anticipate another person’s discomfort before that person freezes up and becomes paralyzed, withdrawn or even destructive in a situation? 

Here's some early warning signs of increased emotional intensity. Look out for them in yourself and others.    

Sweating:  Might indicate an increase in some emotional feeling.

Blinking more:  Might indicate an increase in some emotional feeling.

Dilated pupils:  Often indicates arousal or fear.

Blushing:  Might signal embarrassment, shame, anger, or guilt.

Talking louder and faster:  Usually signals anger, fear, or other excitement.

Talking slower and softer:  Might signal sadness or boredom.

Body gesturing:  Signals a negative emotion, usually fear or anger.

Breathing fast and shallow:  Indicates the presence of emotion.

Are You Out on a Limb?

Gestures are emblems of feelings. Using too many gestures usually takes away from the potency of your natural presence, just as talking high, fast, loud or at great length diminishes your power and credibility.

Most people cannot help “leaking” their feelings. Fortunately, few of us are attuned to noticing the subtle signals that indicate strong emotion in others. Or we misread the signals.

Your body is a hologram of your being; a three-dimensional movie that is constantly running, showing others how you feel about yourself and the world. As you walk through life, is your body saying what your words are saying? Your body is a three-dimensional "full-motion" billboard to the rest of the world. Even if people are consciously reading your body language, they subconsciously react to your body signals.

Tour Your Body for Vital Signs

For example, if you are literally uptight – rigid in any part of your body, especially your face, where most people focus most of their attention in conversation – people will instinctively resist or react against you and your comments. This phenomenon is akin to bounding a hard rubber ball on a concrete surface and then on a soft carpet. The ball bounces higher and faster against the hard surface than the soft one, of course, just as others react more against your "hardened surface."

Suggestion: Whenever you are entering a potentially volatile or even new situation, loosen up physically. Walk, stretch, and work on the areas where you tend to hold most of your tension.

Probably – like many conscientious, hard-working people – you hold your shoulders higher and slightly more forward than is natural, with one of the tendons in your neck tightened up even more than the other. If someone can give you a quick 10- to 15-minute shoulder and neck massage, you will enter a situation more relaxed and others will respond more softly to you.

This is a good time to get acquainted with your body again, as you were as a child. If you don't know where you hold your tension, and most people don't, take a tour of your body so you can know what needs the most loosening – and exercise.

Are you shouldering the world's responsibilities, or perpetually drooping? In your determined drive toward success, do you plant your feet solidly on the ground in a life gesture of hostility, defiance, or taking ground?

Perhaps you have a forward-leaning posture, with your head tilted slightly forward, as if ready to spring into action, actually expressing a lifelong pattern of flight away from psychologically threatening situations when you thought it was part of your makeup to leap forward to new opportunities.

To be depressed is, in fact, to press against yourself. To be closed off is to hold your muscles rigid against the world.

Being open is being soft, with no instinctive muscle-clenching, such as the jaw-tightening that is a growing pattern in Americans, even into their sleep. Hardness is being uptight, cold, separate, giving yourself and others a hard time. Softness is synonymous with pleasure, warmth, flowing, being alive, drawing other people toward you rather than forcing them away.

Are you itching to get at someone? Is a colleague a pain in the neck? Are you sore about something? What is your aching back trying to tell you? Is there someone or something on your back? What about your ulcer, allergy, or muscle spasms? Is there someone you cannot stomach? What is it that you would like to get off your chest, or your back?

Your body speaks to you all of the time, telling you your own needs. Listen to it. It is your free and most sophisticated medical feedback testing system, continuously showing you your inner tensions, state of mind, and habitual life attitudes.

When you are misaligned and tense, you expend outrageous sums of extra energy in the everyday gestures of life. Because the body is a high-viscosity substance that is 60–80% water, your bones are floating in a relatively fluid environment. Over time, despite that apparent fluidity, you have tightened the muscles around every major experience of pain, fear, or anger.

In Western society, we usually hold the tension somewhere in our upper bodies, whereas in many Eastern cultures, the tension tends to be held in the lower body.

We all hold great muscle tension around certain bones in blind remembrance of fearful events, long after the actual events are probably long forgotten. You continue to tighten these muscles each time you think you are experiencing similar situations, thus guaranteeing that you make your pattern of uptightness increasingly habitual, until it becomes an almost permanent condition you no longer recognize as not normal.

Ah, the misleading appearance of maturity. You might never recall what initially made you afraid, but you can note where your body reacted to protect itself. Then spend more time in your exercise and massage or other bodywork to relax and loosen those muscle groups.

We go through life making decisions, closing down and limiting ourselves unconsciously. If you don't begin a regular practice of exercise and stretching, you are guaranteed to lose mobility sooner as you age, robbing yourself of the most positive and alive present you can offer the world every day – a loose and relaxed presence.

Stay open literally by getting in motion more frequently. Stand and stretch at least every twenty minutes when you are sitting and working. Try to walk, hopefully in sync with someone else, in fresh air and sunlight, at least thirty minutes a day. As Dr. Dean Ornish wrote in Love and Survival: The Scientific Basis for the Healing Power of Intimacy, our survival depends on the healing power of love.

One of the safest and most natural ways to move closer to others is to walk with them. Walk farther to the restaurant. Walk and talk on the way to the meeting. Walk with your loved one, rather than sitting at home, to come down from your day together. Motion is emotional and makes every event more vivid and memorable. Literally move toward the one you want in your life and loosen up together. 

Some May Be “Wizards” at Detecting Lying But …

…that ability is very rare. 

Less than one percent of us are able to learn how. So do not feel bad that you miss the signals that demonstrate that person in front of you is not telling the truth.

Most of us miss the “tells” – even after being trained in the methology of face reading and lying detection developed by Paul Ekman and or understanding the work of psychologist, Maureen O’Sullivan.  After a heated, back-and-forth battle between experts, this seems to be the prevailing view.

Instead, suggest Charles Bond and Bella Depaulo, accuracy in lie detection has more to do with how good the liar is at lying than individuals are at detecting deceit. This is surprising for me as I have been a longtime fan of Ekman’s work. I look forward to learning more from all experts here.

Yet that finding will probably not stunt the popularity of a TV show featuring an expert at spotting liars as our fascination with duplicity is so strong. 

Passive Men and Wild, Wild Women (How Stop Fighting)

Men aren't born passive.  Women aren't born wild.  We just have that effect on each other … too often. When and why does a conversation become one-sided, or dissolve into conflict and how can you turn it around and stay sane... together?

Here's some gut instincts research-based insights on:
-    why things often go sour between the sexes, followed by
-    four suggestions for smoother, more satisfying ways to stay connected:

At work, the man is often active, articulate, assertive, and usually successful in his conversations, especially with other men. But at home he can become inactive, inarticulate, and withdrawn.
He becomes passive with his wife – especially in certain situation.

Yet even when the woman works outside the home she tends to communicate in a more active way at home - and instinctively wants the same style from her mate. 

His apparent passivity drives her crazy. In the face of his further retreat, she goes wild. Then he becomes more still, and escapes at the first opportunity.

In personal relationships women often want too much talk, as men sees it. She feels resentful, complains, keeps asking questions, talks more, may even act bitter. 
He feels he can’t meet her needs and ends up feeling guilty and sulks. 
They both end up blaming each other.

He thinks:  If only she’d shut up.
She thinks:  If only he'd talk to me.

Here’s four ways women are more likely to engage men in the positive, lively conversation we crave:

Suggestion #1
“Stop Talking Sooner”
Or, less politely, "shut up sooner. As a child my mother washed my mouth out with soap for saying “shut up” yet that’s sound advice for women in trying to connect with men.   Women are usually immediately aware of our feelings, able to express them, usually comfortable in explaining, and asking, and elaborating... in considerable detail.

Our verbal agility can inadvertently create a wall, as women, if it gets us out of sync with men. At times, in personal, social and work situations, men and women will get closer if the speed of the conversation and the amount of words slows down.

When women feel that men are not listening, we tend to “rise” to the occasion by raising our voice and verbiage.  That is we tend to say more, faster, more intensely and at a higher volume. It is as if we are thinking, “What I said and how I said it did not work so I will do more of what did not work, and expect a different outcome.”

Our pace in conversation is faster and more multi-dimensional. We rush past and around most men. 

We need to allow a man to respond, a point at a time, at his pace, without interrupting or finishing his sentences.

If the strongest complaint women have about men is that they do not listen, then we must work hardest on leaving the time for them to speak.*

Suggestion #2
“Sidle”

While women prefer to talk, face-to-face, men pefer to sidle, standing side by side.  Research shows that both women and men like each other more and get along better when standing or sitting side-by side.

Suggestion #3
“Get Moving”
Any woman who wants better relations with a man should “walk it out”: talk while walking to the meeting, around the block, etc.

Further, when men and women are walking or eating together their body motions become more similar so they get more in sync.  Even vital signs (heartbeat, skin temperature, eye pupil dilation) become more similar) so we are more likely to feel a natural, easy kinship.

In motion we tend to experience the best, rather than the worst side in the opposite sex.  That's good news.  Yes?

Suggestion #4 “’See’ the Situation Their Way”
Women crave longer and more continuous eye contact than men. To help men feel more comfortable let go of that unremitting eye gaze.  Glance away sometimes as a man is inclined to do while thinking. His glance away does not necessarily mean avoidance so don’t act as if it does by a your harsh tone, words or glance. He may be trying to gather his thoughts.


Some Further Peace-Keeping Suggestions for Women and Men:

• It is harder to argue when you are holding hands.

• Know that showing appreciation and attention, especially when you least want to show them and the other person most needs them, will always bring you closer than asking for them.

• First look to the other person’s positive intent as you hear what what is said.

• Saying less often gets you more of what you want from him.

• Looking directly and warmly at her, rather than away, often brings out the part of her you most enjoy.

• Making and keeping an agreement usually helps the other person feel more safe, respected and cared for in the relationship.

• First try to act in a different and positive way before you verbally ask for a change in someone else.

• Don’t interrupt, especially when you most want to.

• First answer the other person’s question.  Answer it directly, without preface, qualifiers, countering, secondguessing, answering questions she or he did not ask or raising other points first.

• Do not answer a question with a question, including questioning that person’s question of you.

• Find out whether the other person feels you’ve answered her or his question or otherwise responded adequately before you move onto your question or another point or topic.

• Showing resentment and resistance will most likely escalate the hardening of sides between you.

• Rather than describing what you don’t like, ask for a specific change.

• Be willing to make a change before asking for one.

• Don’t ask for more than one change at a time, unless you want them all ignored.

• Know that the more changes you ask for the more resistant you’ll face, and the more likely it will be for you both go to your heads to think, rather than to your hearts to feel.

• Use factual language and few words to describe what you want changed.

• Use emotion-laden language and more words, to describe what you like in the other person.

• Women: Say and move less, especially when you want to do the opposite

• Men:  Give her more eye contact.  If you don’t feel comfortable answering her right away, tell her so directly.  Then tell her when you will get back to her with a response.

• In the middle of your hottest moments of discussion, remember what you most like in the other person and take the time to express it.

•Of course all these apparently wise pieces of advice are much easier to offer than to live by - yet so deeply satisfying when we do.Now discover how to argue better and also Guy Harris' apt suggestions  on how to communicate during conflict. .

Listening May Seem Like a Passive Task, But ...

...listening requires more mental and emotional energy than even persuasive speaking. And, ultimately it inspire more liking and support for you than attempts to influence.

Why?

Because our gut instinctual reaction is to perceive that other people mean the same thing that we would mean if they say or act a certain way. For example, a man who once worked for me when I headed a high tech division of a company was often treated as if he was thick-headed or even a withholder because he took longer to respond to others’ questions, spoke much more slowly and haltingly than most everyone else in this fast-paced company and seldom looked people in the eye when he spoke to them.

“There is much to be said for not saying much.”
- Frank Tyger

As well, he seldom answered a question directly but often gave lengthy preambles and apparently tangential facts before he made his main point. He was, however the most brilliant, big picture and inventive of the people I met in the company. He was also extremely shy, easily overwhelmed by fast movements, loud and rapid speaking and rambunctious, interruptive discussions - the hallmarks of many of the meetings in this company.

His core work group, after considerable friction, miraculously agreed on a few, very specific Rules of Engagement to see if it would help them get along better. This happened only after he wrote a memo that elegantly and articulately outlined a solution to the main problem on the project in which they were working.

The rest of the group then realized that their success depended on making him feel comfortable in exchanging ideas - with them.

They agreed that they would not interrupt him when he was speaking, at least for four minutes, a more reasonable goal, they thought, that attempting to say they would never interrupt him.

He, in turn, agreed to propose his main idea upfront, and then elaborate, and to also respond directly to questions, then expand upon his answer.

The unexpected side benefit is that, over time, he became much more comfortable with speaking up sooner and ooking at others more as he spoke. The rest of the group, in turn, started noticing that thye were seeing other sides of each other as their meetings had slow as well as fast-paced parts to them.

Do people look like they feel heard when you are listening?

In the next post I'll describe the behavioral traits of people who are able to get more done - with others' agile involvement.

Ever get cornered by

an oxygen thief or a chutiya or a neddy? Were any of them chato? Tried to tert them? Then you might have wanted to go home with a bra and rest, perhaps ask dog fetch your baffies. Would worldly you like to discover more slang to drop into conversation? Then visit here. Also see the fun Urban Dictionary.

Do You Understand This Innately Boring …

… yet scary news, the unraveling world economy? The complex, often contradictory explanations became numbing.

Yet one remarkable radio show made it understandable and engrossing. I double-dog dare you to listen to just one episode of This American Life called the “Giant Pool of Money.” Bet you, too, will heckle your friends into listening. Don’t just take my word.

The “double-dog” opportunity I’m tempting you with? In addition to getting a basic but suspense-building understanding of how this debacle happened, you’ll get a priceless primer on how to say it better.

Say it So You Can Sell It

When you think you’ve done everything you can to connect with your kind of customers, take a re-motivation break. Watch what this extremely entrepreneurial and likeable young man has managed to learn that has led him to high profits, considering his business location. Accentuate the positive - and the possible - wherever you are.