Say it Better

Compared to What?

 To heal a bitterly divided nation, Nelson Mandela characterized “our” goal of bringing the World Cup to South Africa in his motto, "One Team One Country."

Want to instantly shape how others feel about you or something that really matters to you? Set the context by making a vivid comparison.

Those who are fighting for more nutritious school lunches did exactly that recently. "A McDonald's burger is safer than your kid's school lunch.  The government has given schools meat that would have been rejected by many fast-food restaurants across the country."  Wow.  

Yes, negative comparisons, even more than positive ones, stick in the mind. It was back in college when my friend Jim told me his hometown, Stockton, was sometimes called “the armpit of the west.”

Make comparisons using analogies, similes and metaphors.

Here’s a rebutting analogy you may not forget yet wish you could, “It's absurd that we only have an oral tablet to treat vomiting. It's like treating diarrhea with a suppository.”

Metaphors are the most powerful of these three attitude-changers. Security expert Michael Spearman gave a metaphor. He characterized the prevalence of nonworking cameras in housing projects as "Using cameras without having anyone monitor them is like buying a condom and then punching holes in it.”

Mixed metaphors aren’t effective behavior-changers yet often a source of humor:

“When Frank smells blood, you’re toast.”

“It’s a long road to open a can of worms.”

The more vivid, credible and relevant your comparison the more likely it is that others will repeat it. Repetition creates familiarity. Familiarity hastens acceptance.

What comparisons have influenced your beliefs and behavior? 

Now, want to trick your mind (or other’s) into making smarter choices?

Knowing When Fear is a Friend

 A gang rape of a teen girl, took place over several hours at a high school, with onlookers who did nothing.  It happened just last month in an adjacent county to where I live.  Among the many reactions to this horrific incident, here’s the first that’s positive and proactive for women, albeit an action than can seem self-serving.

A local author is co-offering a free self-defense class. As someone who chronicled her recovery from violent abuse in her book, Skinny, Tan and Rich: Unveiling the Myth, Maryanne Comaroto will teach emotional self-defense techniques.  Her colleague will teach physical self-defense techniques.

Comaroto’s core message is “TLC: Trust yourself, love yourself and control yourself."  Reflecting the insights in security firm founder Gavin DeBecker’s excellent book, The Gift of Fear, Comaroto suggests that,  “One of the things we typically don’t do is trust our intuition. It’s the first indicator we maybe in danger.“  

That’s the money quote for me, one I hope each of us has grown into knowing and doing by this stage in our lives.

Whenever you’ve felt profound fear, it was linked to the presence of danger, imminent pain or death.  Said DeBecker in a National Public Radio interview, “When we get a fear signal, our intuition has already made many connections.  When you feel fear, try to ‘link’ it back to a past situation where the feeling that was similar to see if your fear is, in fact, justified.” 

While the media often portrays human violence as random, de Becker points out that it seldom is random. In fact, you can anticipate the patterns of impending danger in most cases, if you listen to your instinct of genuine fear and take action.  DeBecker’s book offers specific criteria for how you can better protect yourself by learning to recognize and act on the intuitive signals you pick up but reject as unfounded.

Worry, on the other hand, is the fear we manufacture.  Worry, anxiety, concern and wariness all have a purpose, but they are not fear.  Any time your dreaded outcome cannot be reasonably linked to pain or death and it isn’t a signal in the presence of danger, then it really should not be confused with fear.  

Worry is a form of self-harassment.

Worry will not bring solutions.  Worry distracts from finding solutions.

To free yourself from worry sooner, understand what it really is.  Most people worry because it provides some secondary reward such as:

• Worry is a way to avoid change; when we worry, we don’t do anything about the matter.

• Worry allows us to avoid admitting powerlessness over something, since worry feels like we’re doing something.  Prayer also makes us feel like we’re doing something, and even the most committed agnostic will admit that prayer is more productive than worry.

•  Worry is a cloying way to have a connection with others.  Worry somehow shows love.  The other side of this is the beleif that not worrying about someone means you don’t care about that person.  As many people who’ve been worried about know well, worry is a poor substitute for love or for taking loving action.

• Worry is a protection against future disappointment.  After you complete an important project where the success of your approach won’t be known for some while, for example, you can worry about it. 

Ostensibly, if you can feel the experience of failure now, rehearse it, so to speak, by worrying about it, then failing won’t feel as bad when it happens.  But how would you want to spend the time while you find out:  worrying, playing or initiating another action on another endeavor?

There is a Pay-off for Worry But Not a Healthy One

For some people, worrying is a “magical amulet”, according to Emotional Intelligence author, Daniel Goleman.  Some people feel it wards off danger.  They truly believe that worrying about something will stop it from happening. 

Most of what people worry about has a low probability of occurring, because we tend to take action about those things we feel are likely to occur.  This means that very often the mere fact that you are worrying about something is a predictor that it isn’t likely to happen.

The connection between real fear and worry is similar to the relationship between pain and suffering.  Pain and fear are necessary and valuable components of life.  Suffering and worry are destructive and unnecessary parts of life.  Worry interrupts clear thinking, wastes time, and shortens your life.

When worrying, ask yourself, “How does this serve me?”

To be freer of fear and yet still get its gift, consider these techniques: 

1. When you feel fear, listen.

2.  When you don’t feel fear, don’t manufacture it.

3. If you find yourself creating worry, explore and discover why.

We Choke on Anxiety

Anxiety, unlike real fear and like worry, is always caused by uncertainty.  it is caused, ultimately, by predictions in which you have little confidence.  If you predict you will be fired and you are certain that your prediction is correct, you don’t have anxiety about being fired, but about the ramifications of losing a job. 

Predictions in which you have a high confidence free you to respond, adjust, feel sadness, accept, prepare, or to do whatever you need to do.  You can reduce your anxiety by improving your predictions, thus increasing your certainty.  It’s worth doing, because the word anxiety, like worry, stems from a root that means “to choke,” and that is just what it does to us. 

Our imaginations can be fertile soil in which worry and anxiety grow from seeds to weeds, but when we assume the imagined outcome is a sure thing, we are in conflict with what Proust called an inexorable law:  “Only that which is absent can be imagined.”  In other words, what you imagine -- just like what you fear -- is not happening.

 

Storyteller Lovers Alert

The Moth, a wildly popular grassroots phenom is now a radio show – celebrated in N.Y. Tues night at an event with Garrison Keillor, honoring Anna Deveare Smith and ending with one minute stories from ten winners of recent Moth Grandslams contests produced by This I Believe producer, Jay Allison.

You want to discover how to tell a story, sell or further your cause?

Nothing beats telling the story others are eager to retell.  Combined with listening to This American Life, and The Prairie Home Companion, reading Jesse Kornbluth's reviews and watching Smith become many characters telling the story, this can be your free, pleasurable way to discover your voice and practice telling your story.

Save Your Unborn Baby from Embarrassment Later in Life

Probably Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise did not realize, when they named their daughter Suri, that it meant “pickpocket” in Japanese or “stop it” in Toruba.

While Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale’s son’s name Zuma means "peace" in Arabic, in the obscure Aztec language of Nahuatl it translates as "Lord frowns in anger."

Just think of names that are distinctively American. Mary Lou. Bernie.  Grace. Alfred.  You know your name has a huge influence on how others see and treat you. 

And that’s just considering the implications in English. In an increasingly Connected World names are pregnant with awkward or inspiring global possibilities. While the Danish name Kare means “dear” I was told in Istanbul that it meant “square” in Turkish yet neither Behind the Name nor First Name Meanings found a meaning in any other language.

Wonder what your name means?

Expecting parents, if you are cautious, don’t let your unwitting infant be vulnerable to unexpected ribbing later on.  Give her or him a name that travels well around the world. Find out what your favorite names mean in other languages before you make a final choice.  

Or don’t worry about it.  Who knows? That name may lead to their moment of fame – and wouldn’t that be very American?

Four Ways to Make That Human Connection We All Want

Sometimes I self-sabotage in talking with others, especially those I do not know well, then feel badly afterwards.  There’s no going back yet these four insights have helped me connect better with others… sometimes.  Such as when I actually practice them.

1. Be the Same Person Around Everyone

“I am so used to having two faces,” observes Lee Daniels, the producer/director of Precious. “A face that I had for black America and a face for white America. When Obama became president, I lost both faces. Now I only have one face. But old habits die hard, and sometimes I can’t remember who I’m supposed to be.”

We tend to feel most at ease with people who look and act right – like us. Beyond “likeness” and context (what else is going on in a situation), you’ve probably noticed another factor that affects your behavior. Some individuals “make” you act grumpy, sarcastic, remote or otherwise difficult while others bring out your best side. 

Useable insight

 You may feel more congruent, authentic and face less conflict if you can be that “better side” of yourself no matter whom you are around. Plus people are more likely to like you – and that makes life easier.

2. Inspire Others by Your Passionate Belief in Their Best Talent Then Follow Through to Prove It

“One day, I was walking on Houston Street in Manhattan,” remarked Helen Mirren, “and because there were a lot of holes in the road, I was looking down at my feet. I got a tap on the shoulder, and I jumped. 

This mad-looking man with wild dreadlocks says, ‘I love you and I have a movie I want you to do.’ I thought, this is a complete madman, I’ll never hear from this person again. Ninety-nine percent of the people who approach you this way are living in a fantasy world. But Lee (Daniels), due to his charm and belief, makes his fantasies real. He doesn’t hear ‘no.’ ” 

Daniels persisted in recruiting Mirren to act in Shadowboxer, and, after seeing his other movies and listening to his vision for the movie when he followed with her, she agreed.

Useable insight

Few things can inspire other’s allegiance that your recognition of their worth and your offer to let them use their best talent – with you.

3. Think Before You Speak

To say the right thing that can build a connect, first T.H.I.N.K. suggests Mark Beeson who believes that “The right thing said the right way at the right time has a chance of connecting... otherwise, we can expect to swing and miss.”  In what you are about to say,

Is it True?

Is it Helpful?

Is it Important?

Is it Necessary?

Is it Kind?

Yet, despite your best intentions, “you're not in control of others.They may not respond the way you want or expect. Keep casting your net... sometimes you end up connecting with an unexpected person. Perhaps, that's where you should have been all along, says Mark Meyer.  

Useable Insight

Hold tightly to practicing connecting with others, especially when you want to scream and run away and hold lightly to the outcome.

4. Don’t Let Someone’s Misrepresentation Callous You Against Others’ Apparently Similar Actions

Yes, I admit that is a hard-to-follow headline yet this story and resultant lesson may make it relevant - and worth your while.

The man who was crouched on the sidewalk at 68th and Broadway in New York City was one of the most pathetic souls I’d ever seen,” wrote Daniel Gilbert, author of Stumbling on Happiness.  “His limbs were twisted in what appeared to be arthritic agony and tears were streaming down his face. “Please,” he whimpered. “Please, somebody help me.”

“My wife and I stopped. The man looked up. “Please,” he sobbed. “I just want to go home.” My hand needed no guidance from my brain as it reached into my wallet and extracted $10. “Thank you,” he said as I handed him the money. “Thank you so much.” My wife and I mumbled some embarrassed words and walked on.

We hadn’t gone a block when she tugged my sleeve. “Maybe we should have gotten him into a cab,” she said. “He could barely stand up. He might need help. We should go back to see.” My wife is the patron saint of lost kittens and there is no arguing, so we went back to see. And what we saw 

The Palpable Power of a Speaker’s Repeated Phrase is Like a Heart Beat for Us, the Audience

A potent way to connect with an audience is to get them in sync with you. Quickly. Then they’ll root for you, want to literally be moved by you. Rhythmic speaking, punctuated with a repeated phrase can be that emotional gateway between your heart, as a speaker and theirs, as Michael Reed James demonstrates so powerfully.

Whether you are a leader, trainer or business owner, you can reinforce your core concept by repeating a relevant phrase.  Then they are more apt to recall it.

Remember how Obama’s campaign phrase, "Yes, we can” so captivated some actors that they co-created a video using it?

If you are a public speaker, look at the “thread” or central theme of the most popular story you tell from the stage. Distill it to a word or phrase.  When you repeat those words at key points in your talk and bookend your talk by setting up your story and ending it… with a pause to say those words, your audience may join in saying them with you. 

Notice how Michael sets up his story with his first Knock Knock, then pulls in his activated audience at the end. 

I want to know this young man, to follow the arc of his, to share his performance with you because his message and his talent moved me.  In his spoken word poetry, he is emotional and strong. He calls us to join him in choosing to demonstrate good character, to love, to live a productive, full life yet he is not didactic.  He uses his own story to bring out the best in us.

As a speaker what more could you ask of yourself?  

TWiST #21 with Mark Goulston [Bonus #3]

TWiST #21 with Mark Goulston [Bonus #3]

Posted using ShareThis

Marines and journalists are alike in some ways, especially as compared to civilians I realized by reading Jeffrey D. Barnett’s column on post-war life.   We expect clear, direct, accurate communication. Civilians’ roundabout talk frustrates us.

Journalists need the illuminating example, the “hook” upon which we hang the story. Yet most people talk in generalities.  Soldiers can’t waste time on such fluff. Reporters have deadlines.  Yet in the civilian life, notes Barnett, “everybody swaps stories and chats at work, but not on a deadline.”

Lives often depend on soldiers’ quick and clear communication. All journalists and their bosses who assign stories expect brevity and swiftness in assigning the story so maximum time can be spent on getting it done. We take orders. Give our word to get things done.

That’s why, in civilian life as a corporate division leader, I was incredulous when confronted with the amount of time people spent in meandering meetings and, worse yet, when individuals did not keep the agreements they made in those meetings  - and were not embarrassed nor held accountable. 

Then, of course, there’s the other conundrum, Barnett brings up that confounds journalists and soldiers: What punctuality means to some people in civilian life - and how different company cultures actually tolerate - even expect  - tardiness, and divided attention from the top executives.

When we want to be productive we soldiers and reporters yearn for accountability. When talking, keep it short and simple.

Now I will get off my high horse and admit that there are downsides to such direct communication, as Dianna Booher suggests.  This communication expert and wife of an Army colonel, describes the military style as:

• Direct, to-the-point

• Non-emotional, detached

• Loud

• Forceful

• Prompt (in responding to questions)

• Decisive (in charge)

• Commanding, demanding, telling (not asking)

• Declarative statements (not questions)

• Rigid body language (at attention)

• Blank, non-expressive facial expression

Such an approach, I know first hand, can appear harsh and unfeeling to civilians – even to the wives of soldiers.

Relatedly, there’s the continuing friction between the techies and the sales folks, the scientists and the promoters. 

What are your communication hot buttons and how have they been reinforced or eased by the kind of work you do? 

Self-deprecation, Twitter Vengeance and More on Speaking

Here are three quick lessons for speakers and audiences from this week in our ever more Connected World.

 1. Self-deprecation can evoke humor and create a bond with the audience when done right. “It is a privilege to be here tonight to open for Lady Gaga,” said President Obama, in opening his speech at the Human Rights Campaign dinner.  

Consider, as well, how Hugh Grant bolstered his likeability in many of his movies, including Four Weddings and a Funeral, by evoking self-deprecation. 

Albert Einstein was once introduced to the eighteen-month-old son of a young friend. The infant looked into the physicist's face and began to bawl. Responded Einstein, "You're the first person for years who has told me what you really think of me."  Kien Dag notes, “The smartest people I know are also the most humble, making others comfortable by downplaying their abilities.”

2. In this Twitter-powered world:

• Speakers may get live audience feedback whether they want it or not.

• Audiences can engage in their own conversation about the speaker.

• A speaker may be unaware of what’s happening in the audience. Ah mortification.

• A mob psychology can erupt, causing ever more vicious (or positive) waves of Twitter commentary to roll out.

This incident brings a whole new meaning to “higher education.”  

3. Attendees should be able to absorb the meaning of a slide in three seconds or less.  So suggests Nancy Duarte who offers a Glance Test in her book.  

Tip From Monty Python’s Argument Clinic

As you see in this hilarious sketch from Monty Python’s Flying Circus, disagreements get worse when people can’t even agree on what they are arguing about.

In fact, many arguments start when one person does not feel heard and/or understood by the other person such as this interview-turned-contentious-conversation between fighter Floyd Mayweather and interviewer Brian Kenny.  

Then we talk at cross-purposes or on different topics, attempting to get the other person to talk about what’s really important – to us.

Hint:  Especially when things turned heated with someone first prove to that person that you heard what he said.

Then, without appearing condescending, probe for the underlying concern.

Why is that helpful?  Because problems seldom exist at the level at which they are expressed. 

Until you understand their main concern you will not know the best way to address it.

By probing, you show interest in their views. You increase the chances that he will be open to hearing your response.

But not always.

Two other things struck me again from watching the python sketches - is the high level of civility – even during an argument and the colorful yet not profane use of language.

BTW, to celebrate Conflict Resolution Day on October 15^th why not start thinking of a critic or adversary. What is the main thing you genuinely respect about that person on who is difficult for you?  Send that individual a postcard, writing vividly and specifically about that quality. Who knows? you might get on a roll and write four such postcards.